She was never a mom to me. At sa tingin ko she never really liked me.

Panganay ako sa tatlong magkakapatid. I was the quiet kid, yung di mo na kailangan bantayan. Hindi rin ako palahingi pero naspoil pa rin which I do admit naapektuhan ang attitude ko. Pero as much as possible, ayoko nabburden parents ko. Pinalaki rin ako ng lola and titas ko.

I don't remember my parents in any significant events sa buhay ko. Understandable na kailangan nila magtrabaho, my dad was overseas pero si mommy nasa Pilipinas. Kung tatanungin niyo bakit absent nanay ko sa buhay ko di ko rin alam. Nakalimutan ko na. But I do remember the times na nasaktan niya ako, tangina nakakaasar kasi yun lang naalala ko sa kanya. Pinagbuhatan niya ako ng kamay, said things I didn't want nor need to hear. I never heard her say anything encouraging to me, it's always degrading, doubting.

Something big happened to me noong junior highschool ako which lead na lalong lumayo loob ko sa kanya. Alam ito ng tita ko kaya napagsabihan ako na wag daw ako magtanim ng sama ng loob sa nanay ko kasi nanay ko pa rin siya. I never understood my feelings towards my mom. I guess now I can say na I feel indifferent.

Dahil sa sinabi sakin ng tita ko, pagdating ng senior high, I tried my best para maging close kami. I try to tell her little things that happened, I even kiss her goodbye kapag aalis ako (hindi ako touchy nor vocal). She never reciprocated it. I can feel the hesitation whenever I lean in. I didn't mind it, sa isip ko at least I'm doing something. It felt tiring tho, parang wala lang yung ginagawa ko. Sometimes parang she tries, pero mas madalas ang hindi.

Kaya ko rin nasabi na she never liked me kasi I was practically invisible to her. She's always against me. For example, I like playing online games. Hindi naman umabot sa point na hayok na hayok ako maglaro everytime at hindi ko rin napapabayaan ang studies ko. I just like playing with my friends. Pero lagi niyang pinaparating na I play lagi and hindi na ako nagaaral. Minsan nga parang nagseselos siya saakin. Alam niyo yun, yung feeling na may nagseselos sayo. I don't know how to explain it. It's as if I took something away from her. I wish she would just tell me.

I am not a good daughter, but if I ever become a mother someday, I will never become my mom. I don't like her. I don't like my mom. Oo, may sama ako ng loob sa kanya. I didn't deserved to be treated like that. I was a kid, I needed a mom.

Maybe someday I'll heal and finally forgive her. Pero sa ngayon, pwede bang magalit muna ako sa kanya?