I dreamt that my papa died. In my dream, my eldest cousin called me. I was in my college school and about to go home. “Wag ka mabibigla, wala na si papa mo.” It gave me shiver from head to toe. In my dream I didn’t cry or breakdown. I was saying ha? “Ano nangyari?” while walking as fast as I can to go to the parking lot. My cousin continued to tell me that they saw my papa with bubbles in his mouth and no malay. I then asked “how’s mom?” Then I woke up from my mom switching the light on.

Dito ko naramdaman na buti na lang panaginip because kung totoo, Idk how to cope. The dream felt too real, my cousin’s voice was too realistic. I thought it was reality. Thank God it was just a dream. 6 years ago when we almost lost our father due to brain surgery. That was the lowest of my life. It was also sudden when we got a call that he was in ER and then ICU. I cried so hard, I was so devastated. That’s when I experienced going to the chapel to pray but instead I just cried without any words. I was screaming and crying but no words came out. I swore on that day that I will dedicate all that I do to my parents. He survived it like a true miracle.

Papa was the only one (until now) who truly knows how to love and care for me. He knows my little quirks and very observant how I like the things as they are. He’s just silently loving me all throughout. I remember an instance that I appreciated the most, this happened when I was still in college. My mom came from work and I was pretending to sleep cause I didn’t want to interact. They both went to my room and my mom acted like she was gonna wake me up. My papa said “wag mo gisingin, buksan mo lang yung ilaw.” I was surprised when he said that cause I never said that’s how I prefer to be waken up. But he knew. He observed it while I was growing up that I hate pag ginigising ako ng ibang tao lalo ung may voice/noise and touch/kalabit. I have to wake up in my own terms. And one of the things that could easily wake me up is light. Until now, when he subtly wants to wake me up, pasimple niya bubuksan yung curtain ko or ung lampshade.

He knew how to love me. He actively learns how to take care of me until now. I like how he carefully observes how I grow up and develop my own character, how he adjusts to it and make me as comfortable as I can. He was orienting our new yaya a few months back and I overheard some of their convos. “Ganito yung gusto niyang luto sa egg.” “Isang beses mo lang tawagin kung kakain na. Wag mo na ulitin. Lalabas yan kung gutom.” “Wag mo linisin kwarto at kotse niya. Siya naglilinis nyan. Hihingi siya tulong kung gusto niya.” “Dapat may yelo lagi na ready pag kakain.”

It’s true what they say. It’s the little things. We do not say ILY to each other that much but these are more than enough testament that I am loved. This is how I want to be loved. My own father raising my standards very high.

When I was in college, my mom stayed in our apartment in Manila for her work so I was left with my papa most of the time. I have my own room but every single night I would move to his room to sleep beside him. I’m usually scared to sleep alone in my room and he gets a lot of nightmares so someone has to stay with him para may gumising sa kanya pag binabangungot. Today, ako ang nabangungot. And it was papa’s technique that made me wake up. A light was switched on. Like a literal wake up call for me to love my parents even harder.