It’s been a year since I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder with anxious distress. A lot of factors (my bisexuality, trauma from past relationship, loneliness due to pandemic and others) have contributed to the crumble of my mental well-being and have been prescribed medication ever since.

I guess i just feel pressured right now to feel like i haven’t made any significant progress. Everyday I kept thinking what can I do to be better, to feel better. I have realized that I haven’t really been happy for myself over the years. I have realized that I have been faking myself throughout the pandemic period that everything is somehow okay which caused my kept emotions to have backfired negatively.

Everyday i have been thinking to myself that I guess I have been too selfless and left nothing for myself. Or maybe i have been too eager or greedy to feel happy/ better again. Now I feel like im trying so hard to pick up the pieces but is continually struggling to build myself again.

It really is a trick question to ask yourself “Are you happy? Are you really happy?”. I know there’s a lot more to learn and to experience. Recovering from a mental illness really does not magically happen overnight, even with the prescriptions.

I just wish that someday, it would be better somehow. That I won’t spend my days or nights crying due to overthinking, stressors and triggers. To believe that I can do it myself and not rely on someone (such as yearning for a kind partner) to feel better.

That my heart will soon be at peace and will feel genuinely happy for myself.