I dunno if you'll ever read this and if you do, I don't even know if you'll reply. In case you don't, it's alright, I'll understand. It'll finally be clear you don't want anything to do with me and I'll respect that. I do have some things to say though cause, well you know me, I like having the last word. So here goes..

First thing you need to know D is, I like you too. It scared me that I did cause I was supposed to be in love with someone else and yet I did like you. I don't even know what happened in that conversation the first time we talked. I just know something clicked, you know. Something made sense. Whatever you felt that night, I felt it too. And it confused the hell out of me plus the shock and a sprinkle of fright bundled is probably the closest description to how I was feeling right after our talk.

I was unconsciously trying not to message the next day. I do know I kept waiting for you to message all day until you finally hit my dms again. I told you it's okay to miss me but really I kinda missed you too. Although still confused, shocked, a little scared and sad from what happened with the other guy, I did miss you, you know. I was just projecting but I teased you about it and I confirmed it was true to you too. I won't lie, it made me happy. But I'm sorry the next replies after that were cold. I was trying to rebuild my walls, you know. And the questions you were asking are personal things about me but goddamn lagi mo ko pinapangunahan. Kainis ka! You assume I wanted to stop talking just because I didn't share some personal things. Right there you assumed I wanted to stop talking na. I had to double back just to make sure you won't leave the convo which I never do for your information. I never ask a guy to keep talking to me so damn you, D. Cause I did it for you twice.

I also mentioned to you early on the convo that I might get a PWD card just to see if you'd be curious what illness I had. See, from the start I already decided I wanted you to know about my illness cause it just felt right saying it right away. I was starting to like you and I wanted to tell you cause I didn't wanna come to a point where we both like each other only to be ruined by my illness. And btw, like I told you, no one ever knows about my bipolar on that account. Only you do. I have a separate reddit for my bipolar thing kasi. Anyone I've interacted with on that NSFW account can't know about my condition. Not even that guy, okay? He doesn't know I'm sick. You do, cause I dunno, maybe I was hoping you'd like me still even with the bipolar. Besides, having a mental illness is usually enough to turn guys off so I can filter out who likes me genuinely and see past that. To my surprise, you fucking did😭😭😭.. Putangina, D. Biggest green flag for me. You told me to let you know "when it's bad” or “if I need space".. WTF, D? Why'd you have to be such a good guy? Fuck, that's so attractive.

At the end of that 2nd night we were talking, I know I said nakakatamad na magreply but that was just my sadness talking. About the other guy, I'm sorry it came off as "nakakatamad na makipag usap sayo'' but it was not about you at all. I was just not in the mood to talk to anyone. It's also the reason the next day, I didn't bother waiting for you to message first. I missed you, I listened to Chon and I'm thinking of ways to talk to you. But nasa inuman ka so we didn't really get to talk.

That last day, we got to talk about a lot of things, no? It felt like a roller coaster ride too. You're right. There were gaps in how I responded to you. I was still hesitant about everything. I haven't properly processed my feelings back then while I'm trying to figure out what I was starting to feel for you, which obviously was attraction, I was just in denial of it at the time. But share the blame with me, D. You didn't think I was genuine with you. You assume na sinasakyan lang kita, na "I'm just doing it for kicks". That's not true. I wanted to talk to you all those times. Yes, even if I seemed to be uninterested. I'm sorry about those seemingly uninterested replies.. I didn't mean to come off as uninterested, okay? Gigil ka lang makipag-usap and I'm trying to catch up.

At that point, I already knew tinamaan ka sakin and I was kind of alarmed, honestly. I didn't mean to flirt back and have you like me like that but I knew I had to acknowledge it. I was scared of admitting I liked you too, D. Had I told you I liked you, I felt that I would just influence your thinking and aasa ka. Ayoko umasa ka until I'm sure about you. Until I'm sure papanindigan ko yung feelings ko for you. So when you decided to say goodbye, I was sad. Prolly more than sad but I know you're thinking of what's best for you. Of what you thought was best for both of us. But now, I don't think it's the best option anymore, D.

See, days had passed and I realized I'm a fucking idiot. I'm fucking dumb, D. Why did I ever let you leave like that? You're dumb too. For walking out like that. Akala ko ba sabi mo "I don't wanna say something that I'll regret, and might shoo you away for good...not right now, or anytime soon". But I get it, you don't wanna fall for me any further. I didn't want you to fall any further too but I realized now, I don't want you to stop liking me! Please don't stop liking me, D! Tangina, come back! I'm sorry I didn't keep you from going. Pero akala ko ba, once I'm okay I can message you again and you'd "date the shit out of me"? Ha? Nasan ka na? Buhay ka pa ba? Ano ba, D?

I'm sorry too that it took me this long to write this all down. When I messaged you a week ago, I wanted to tell you na I didn't wanna make you stay kasi I didn't want you to think I'm picking you out of convenience. Nope. I'm not saying all this cause I can't get the other guy. I'm saying all this cause I like you more and I know I can get over being in love with that other guy. You know I didn't want to be in love with that guy in the first place. It's just my silly feelings trying to trick me.Our bodies trick us sometimes, you know? Ever heard that periods are there to trick us into wanting to create a child even when we don’t really want to? That’s just what’s happening, D. It’s not real. Everything I feel for him I wished it was for you, D. It's bothering me that you take up most of my thoughts nowadays instead of that guy I'm supposedly in love with. I know it doesn't sound great but it is good news. I'm moving on.

Lastly, I just need to add this. I know I only stick to SFW talks on convos with anyone but fuck you, D. I don’t know what you even looked like but I was already fantasizing us making the hottest intimate slow fuck with deep and long kisses. And yeah I masturbated to that. Fuck you again cause you got me cumming without needing a porn to watch but just my imagination. Hays. Gago ka. And gago ka for not replying. Ugh.

Hays. Sana this time, magreply ka na. But like I said when I started writing this, if you don't, I'll respect it. I just wanted you to know all this. I can finally move forward now that I've written everything I wanted to say.

PS: Stop with the fast food, kumain na ng gulay oy.. Same with smoking. I hate the smell of smoke.

-your B