I'm back to job hunting. I just completed a job profile and goodness do I feel so clueless about everything. I'm broke and clueless. My skills are outdated. I've stopped working since last year.

I'm trying to transition to online jobs. I've been pretty much a waste of space and 'palamunin' to my family. My sister is pissed always saying "ate, magtrabaho ka na" sometimes in a joking manner but we all know it's not a funny anymore. Most recently she threw a fit, partly because of me still not having a job. Naawa din ako sakanya. Naawa ako sa family ko. We're broke as fuck and I need to get a job asap. But it hasn't been easy. I couldn't tell my family I'm still trying to stabilize my mental health. That I'm in hell and I feel frozen. Stuck.

Now pinipilit ko sarili ko maghanap ng work. Baka kaya naman, I thought? But damn. I feel unqualified to everything. How do y'all do this? They keep telling you to "upskill" but no one's really teaching the how.

I'm convinced that maybe I should slave over some work na hindi worth it. Like overworked yet pays peanuts type of jobs but I'm not sure how long I can last with those jobs. I'm afraid it'll worsen my mental illness even more.

Akala ko ang galing ko. Akala ko may "edge" ako sa iba but maybe lumipas na lahat. It's all in the past na lang.

At this point, mas malaki pa value ko na patay kesa buhay. At this point gusto ko na lang talaga maclaim ng family ko yung insurance money ko from when I'm gone. At this point, tinatanong ko bakit pako nangangarap at maghihirap ng ilang taon eh mamatay lang naman. San nga ulit nakukuha yung will to live much more the will to strive? Kasi at this point, parang ang pointless lang naman.