This downward spiral of mine all started with the loss of a loved one around five momths ago. Our family driver, who became my father figure since my parents are annulled.

Then came people I lost along the way — those I met, those I got attached to, those whose sides I’ve always taken, one who I saw so much potential in, and then some.

In the process, I lost my family for a brief period of time, and to top it all off, I lost myself. Not to mention the things I continue to encounter at work, at home, and elsewhere.

At a time when I couldn’t afford to lose people in my life, all of these people left and all of these happened all at once, or if not, in quick succession. Some nights, I feel like I’m being too hard on my self, but on most nights, the doubts and the blame I put on myself are all justified. I cried almost every night. I drank a minimum of two to three bottles of Soju almost every night. I drove around town almost every night. Shit happened here and there. It came to a point where death crossed my mind. It’s as if I don’t have anything else to accomplish, anything else to feel, anything else to do. It’s as if no one will accept, appreciate, understand and love me for who I am. It’s as if better days ain’t coming anymore. It’s as if this big heart of mine has totally shrunk, waiting for the beating to end.

And a little over an hour before Christmas, my 12/13-year-old dog died. I don’t know what to feel anymore. Just when I thought I could begin my own road to recovery, I’m back to where I was this past September/October.

I’m tired, man. If better days are no longer coming, then I don’t want to prolong the agony anymore.

Merry Christmas to you who’s reading this, and I hope your holiday season is much better than mine.