I graduated from BS Nursing, got accepted on my first job after 2 weeks. And currently taking the review center while still working.

My psychiatrist congratulated me during my monthly checkup, and asked how I feel, “Usually, achievements like that makes one feel very proud of themselves.. Don’t you feel amazing?”

“Thanks. Uhh, I’m good, I guess.. Just another challenge I made it through. I know it doesn’t end there. I still need to pass my boards.”

And after another month of consultation, he asked me again how I’m feeling. It feels the same old. He said, “You know, after everything you told me, why don’t I feel any genuine emotions from you? How do you honestly feel?”

And as always, I gave him another, “I don’t know, really. I’m not sure.”

It’s been 2 years. I moved forward, but I haven’t really moved on. I still rely on my anti-depressants, but I still tremble whenever we have topics about mental health, because I’m in the same review center and same block with my old friends that I no longer talk to. I literally feel suffocated and shaking that I would need to go out and smoke to calm my nerves.

I asked my psychiatrist if he could give me a higher dose or stronger med, but he said, “We don’t want you to become a zombie. The meds are just there to help you feel… a little less extreme. You still have to feel sadness, happiness, and pain. That makes you human.”

And I know he’s right about that.