This might be a lot of negative self-talk and self deprecating behavior but allow me to rant about the current status of my life. I’ve (M24) been in college for about 5-6 years to this point and in a couple months time I will be graduating and finishing my thesis. Dapat excited ako diba kasi all that time and effort and dedication for that amount time culminating in a degree that I chose should be enough right? Fulfilled na yung goals ko at obligations to my family to be able to get a good education and blah blah blah.

I don’t feel that way in the slightest. I feel like I’ve wasted all that time and all my opportunities that I’ve been in my university. I’ve never had that “college” experience talaga going out to bars or parties and having fun with friends cause that wasn’t really my vibe and Im not very open to drinking and/or smoking or whatever other vices out there because it wasn’t something that I was interested in and even when I did try it I couldn’t understand why people would want to do these things. This and a very reserved and shy personality doesn’t bode very well in making a lot of friends or developing relationships with others and especially with people I became interested in and then add some heartbreaks and rejections into the mix at lalo akong nawawalan ng loob. Parang di ko na ano yung ginawa ko sa college like may problema talaga ako if I’m still here making reflection papers and staying at home all the time while people are getting are getting together na and getting promotions.

I just have this sense na I wasted and failed myself thinking na magbago ako from high school and start fresh talaga but that wasn’t the case. I stayed up many nights praying and begging for some sort of breakthrough and I can’t help but think that it’s too late for me na and all I can do is just do my work, go home to my parents, do Lord knows what on the internet, occasionally hangout with the little friends I have and then sleep. I’m so tired na trying to believe na things will be different just to come back to the feeling that I’m back at square one but how can that be…

I’m going to graduate