Somebody asked me before if nakakaramdam ba ako ng biglaang lungkot out of nowhere and I answered yes. It usually happens kapag nakakaramdam ako ng sobrang saya na feeling, tapos after few days biglang bagsak ng lungkot/mood without any reasons. Tbh it makes me feel scared to feel happy sa mga recent nangyayari sa akin, kasi inooverthink ko yung ganitong coincidences.

It’s hard to feel everything too deeply. Ilang beses ko na ata winish before na sana wala na lang ako maramdaman, so that I could protect myself from feeling too much from everything. I am just too tired with dealing with people na hindi ko alam kung ano ba talagang intention sa akin, with people who makes me overthink, with people I trust tapos magkakalat ng kung anu-ano sa akin, with people who shows me care and concern then all of the sudden goes fullstop from these, with people na ginagawa lang akong emotion/trauma dump but never asks me if kamusta ako. Grabe I suddenly feel drained right now. Or maybe it is my hormones acting up again.

It sucks pouring these thoughts on this platform kasi wala ako mapagsabihan, kasi I don’t even know if they actually genuinely care. Or maybe ayoko lang din maging inconvenient to other people, kaya as much as I can deal with it on my own I’ll do it. Pero feeling ko sasabog na ako anytime. I hate this feeling. I hate myself for allowing to feel this.

I am writing this kasi I just need to get this off my chest, maybe mamaya hopefully paggising ko okay na ako. Kaya ayon you could scroll up again.