Nagkaroon na naman ako ng time to sit down on my emotions and thoughts (sana inilaro ko na lang ito but oh well). I was watching The Boys while doing some journal backlogs kanina and I realize na life and people are draining me again.

In work, the passion I had for it parang naubos and I don't feel motivated anymore kasi feeling ko if ever tanggalin ako it's not gonna be a great loss sa company unlike before sa previous solo project ko. Hindi ko makita yung importance ko sa current team ko, I don't interact that much with them kasi iba yung task na binigay sa akin compared with them. Gusto ko ng magresign but at the same time, hindi ko pa kaya due to some reasons. I feel lost with my career life. Sa future plans, all of the sudden napressure ako sa thought na kumuha ng place on my own kasi tumatanda na parents ko, may bahay naman kami pero hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari kapag dumating yung time ng parents ko. Actually I can't see myself having kids kaya I am not aiming na malaki yung bahay so ayon. Currently I don't have big savings pa, I could blame myself for healing my inner child. When it comes to taking care of myself, ang lala ng breakout ko sa mukha dahil sa pagpupuyat (dahil sa maling pinagpupuyatan charot) because of my thoughts keeping me up at night and hindi na din ako nakakatakbo. Wala talaga ako gana bumangon, like today buong araw ako nag-bed rotting. But ayon, meron naman na ako plans how to deal with life again and re-align my short/long term life goals.

Also as much as possible, I try to surround myself with people like family and friends na narereciprocate yung energy ko. I went out, spend time and catch up with them, but not all the time naman kasi andyan sila because of priorities and I understand that a lot. Magtatampo lang ng konti pero keri lang. I don't have any problems with doing things alone, unti-unti na nga ako nasasanay and sometimes I find comfort in my solitude. It's just that I can't dodge new people coming in my life. I always remind myself na huwag na ako masyado magtiwala or maging vulnerable since a lot of people from the past already broke me, BUT ang hirap kasi there is this floating thought in my head na magkakaiba naman yung tao like you still see the good in them and ayon I'll give them the chance to enter my life and kilalanin ako.

But do you know what's tiring about opening up with people? You'll share your own experiences and the things that upset you and then later on gagawin nila sayo yung mga bagay na yun. That is so fucked up. Saan nila nakukuha yung kakapalan ng mukha na gawin yon?  Babalik na naman ako sa pag-assess ng worth ko as a person and even asked myself na why people treated me like this kahit genuine naman yung pinapakita ko. I remember these people I treated as my close friends (magjowa sila). Whenever I went to art cons, sila yung naiisip kong bilhan agad and even supported their community before and then one day I was surprised someone told me na he's telling stories to other people about me. Gusto ko magalit but mas nangibabaw yung nasaktan ako. The recent person to whom I’ve confessed my feelings, brineadcrumb and treated me as if I were just convenient for him. Kapag cinonfront ko, ako pa yung mali. Sinabihan pa akong gusto din niya ako but could go days without talking to me and even lied to me a few times.  Hindi naman ako ipinanganak kahapon and actions speak louder than words boo. Hindi ko na siya kinausap ulit. Sometimes a person protects their well-being and peace of mind, so when they share their energy and time be straightforward kung anong intentions niyo. Nakakaubos lang ng energy yung mga nangungupal na yan.

At the end of the day, gusto ko lang naman ng safe space na I can exchange with experiences and a person na matatawag kong pahinga. Hays. Quota ka na Lord sa mga pinapadala mong mga tao hindi ko mawari ang intention and purpose sa buhay ko.