Not by choice, but because ang daming bayarin now that I’m graduating this month.

And grabe, ngayon pa mas nasusubukan yung patience ko. Yesterday, my ex went to school to pay some bills probably after dropping out from our school. We would always be few feet from each other. He’s surrounded by his kunsintidor friends while I would get pulled by my few close acquaintances para sa clearance. He look so fucking happy even shouting “Tangina mo (name of his pal from 2nd floor).” Still a trash. I know they all felt somewhat uncomfortable seeing us in a single place, they know what happened.

Magkasunod kami nagbayad, he just left when I got in after I withdrew some cash. I saw their car outside the hospital with the engine on and wondered who did he come with. Was it his condoning, principal of a mother where she got him working in their area as their school nursing aide (predator po anak niyo, pero alam niyo naman ‘yan, kinakampihan niyo pa rin kasi anak niya nga kamo), or his asshole (middle child) brother who mocked my miscarriage on their family’s gc? I wanted to hurt all of them after everything. In the end, I chose to walk past it with my usual confident walk, and though I had the urge to walk after & slap the shit out of him, I only watched him leave the school.

I was trembling & felt suffocated, with the memories of abuse coming back. I ran out of my pills for a week now & I’m getting desperate to buy a new pack na. I want to get better & forget it all.

Then there’s this problem with our DR & OR Forms as well. Few people sre only allowed in the area ng hospital, which is 2 rides away from school, since it’s sterile. My classmates are unresponsive from my inquiries kahit man lang sa availability ng clinical instructors na unresponsive as well. We’re only given until August 15 or we wouldn’t be able to march on the graduation, isa na lang kulang ko pahirapan pa. It’s not I could just walk in there unannounced after being ignored.

I want to understand whatever excuse they have for ignoring me, but I am not asking for much naman ah. And okay, maybe natamaan ako sa story note niya na “Nagpapasabay na lang, demanding pa.” Like, sorry, aren’t you the class leader? The clinical coordinator told us to reach out to you, at hindi pwedeng marami sa area. Kung nagre-reply ka rin sana? Or hopefully someone was just really being “demanding” for her to be upset as well. Wala ka na ngang problema sa forms, mag-iingay ka pa.

As soon as I get out of this shithole, I am so gonna unfriend those selfish people. Nurses, my ass. Natatawa na lang ako whenever they post those inspirational messages & cheer ups as if that’ll make difference in case their insensitivity leads me to getting delayed. They’re so unfair, hypocrites.