My mother unexpectedly died at age 64 after a short illness last year. She passed at a time that I was doing badly, career-wise. My sister didn’t have a job then. Tipid mode kami. We were able to afford all our needs with a few pang luho here and there. My sister and mother lived in the south while I lived in Makati. Going out would mean spending at least 1k on gas plus 500 on toll fees. Iba pa yung food, movie, and whatever else. That would have been 6k every weekend, easy. It was just too much for our budget. So we said, tipid muna tayo, Ma. Makabawi lang kami, we will go back to normal. She waited for that.

Now, my sister and I are both childless and members of the LGBTQIA community. We are now gainfully employed, each with a six figure monthly income after taxes. I was counting the blessings and wins my sister and I have been receiving after a few seasons of massive losses. While exploring One Ayala, I saw a lot of places my mother would have appreciated. I was thrilled and said I’m gonna take her here with my sister.

And then I realized, she’s dead. I forgot she died. It felt like I was hearing the news for the very first time.

I felt a sharp pain in my chest. A stabbing pain followed by the urge to throw up. Tears started welling up in my eyes in the mall. They just fell. While I wasn’t audibly crying, the tears kept falling. I walked back to Glorietta to find a paid bathroom. I used the disabled bathroom for privacy. I locked myself there for what felt like five minutes just to sob without making a sound just so I don’t attract attention.

There are so many reasons my mother’s death hit me hard which I am loath to explain here. In a nutshell, I was the one with whom she spent the least amount of time because I put my career ahead of everything else. I was the guy who was always late or missed birthdays, family dinners, milestone occasions, all because I buried myself with work because I thought working hard would get me promoted faster. I forgot the importance of family.

Now, my sister and I have all this money and the one we would have gladly blown it all on is dead. What sucks is that biglaan din yung pag surge ng career namin. It came a little too late and my mom’s death came a little too early. Sana man lang even just a year of being able to give her our all, di ba? Ngayon, if she wanted the latest iPhone? My sister and I could afford it. Easy. Staycation? Kailan? Game! Fine dining? Tara. Tangina, wala na eh. Suddenly, all this money felt meaningless.

I’m sorry. This is just too heavy and I don’t intend to make Reddit an online diary. I just had to really get it off my chest.