I had a long relationship that turned to something traumatic (for both sides). Fast forward, after a year, I met someone. More like, reconnected with this girl. I’ve known her since 2021, pero I was very single that time. Met her on Bumble.

We heated it off. At first situationship kami, then this year, after 6 months, I finally asked her to be my partner and she said yes.

However, both our traumas from past relationships kept colliding, and it’s so tiring to be honest. At times I’d think na I’m being gaslighted, at siya din ganon. And most of the time, my mind plays tricks on me. I’d feel bad for unintentionally hurting her, then biglang masasaktan ako kasi I’d think, paano naman ako?

Almost a year, ganyan kami. Sobrang toxic. Both of us have mental health issues (undiagnosed).

And she opened up about her symptoms na ang tagal na. Though alam ko na naman yun noon pa. She has depression and anxiety. Actually, kaming dalawa. Though undiagnosed, symptoms are just quite evident kasi at matagal na ganon, years and years na.

I did see a psych before, pero hindi pa ko naddiagnose kasi nag stop din ako. I also encouraged her to see someone. We’re both psych grads din pala.

Then kanina lang, she pushed me away again. I’ve hurt her unintentionally again. I was shocked na she said, she will never make adjustments to anyone, anymore. That, to me, is the end of a relationship. Kasi I believe, for relationships to work, there should be compromises. So I let her go, kasi I cannot be with someone with that mindset. Kasi alam ko ako ang kawawa in the future.

Our sex is great. We both loved to be touched by each other. But our mental health issues are keeping us from being okay together. And I think, for the longest time, I suppressed my emotions and that’s taking a toll on my mental health. And now, I want to face them head on. Takot na takot ako, and I’m so depressed, I’m so lonely, I feel so defeated by life.

The takeaway lang from this, my eyes are wide open, I’m being self-aware. But it’s tiring, to know a lot, to question things, nakaka anxious.

It’s disheartening to know that it will never workout with someone anymore, even though that someone has been with you for quite some time.