i don’t know if it’s selfish of me to say this. (usually whenever i start talking about my feelings, i’m quick to invalidate myself before anyone does)

but here goes. i’ll just try to speak as i am and i hope y’all can be as understanding as possible :>

hi, i’m 21 and i still don’t feel like i’ve been alive for this long. i know i should be grateful sa lahat ng bagay na binibigay saakin ng universe pero why do i still feel this way?

i wish i didn’t always feel like i wasn’t a priority to everyone around me. it’s hard because i struggle fighting with myself knowing kung ano ba talaga yung tama at mali. i know people don’t always have to put me first but it’d be nice to feel that way somehow. i have good people around me pero because my life is currently on hold before i shift for the third time in college, i’m stuck here. i’m stuck wondering if i’m actually loved or i’m just needed.

iba kasi pakiramdaman nung minsan kahit sabihin sayo na mahal ka nila pero iba yung pinaparamdam sayo. does anyone feel this way too? i don’t know what to do anymore. i know it’s my mindset that i have to fix pero it’s so hard changing it.

i know i’ve changed in many ways from my old self but sometimes the past and my traumas haunt me to the point that i get drained and i start feeling like i shouldn’t be here.

it’s hard when you know the right thing is to fix your mindset but the people around you keep reminding you that you were once the worst version of yourself. kahit na binabago ko na sarili ko ngayon, it’ll never be enough.

but then again

bakit ang hirap ko tumanggap ng pagmamahal? why is it that i doubt the people around me if i truly am being loved by them?

i know it’s probably my insecurity (the same reason all my past relationships have ended) but how do i start accepting that people actually do love me? but how will i also know if they truly do when their actions or words don’t match sometimes?

tbh di ko na alam.

in the back of my mind, there’s a list of all the things i’d like to change about myself (in terms of personality and self-growth) i keep working on it but sometimes it feels too heavy carrying it all by myself.

aside from wanting my family and my partner to be there for me, i genuinely want to have the urge to have friends. idk i’m jealous of how other people are happy with their friends or they’d want to have friends cause i honestly cant feel the urge to have some. i guess in my head, friendship is something i’ve always thought as shallow.

maybe cause ive never felt what a true friend feels like. that’s probably why i’d always come looking for relationships instead of friendships. i appreciate the old friends i’ve had ofc. i just wish i could be contented with just having friends.

anyway, as this post is getting too long, i just want to vent and share my frustrations with myself and the expectations i’m not supposed to have for the people around me. i wish i wasn’t this deprived of the true kind of genuine love.

i’m lowkey tired of wishing for it.

maybe this is how it really should be in the real world, not like the ones where romcoms show you how you’re supposed to be loved.

to all the people who love me, i hope you all know its not your fault. i just shouldn’t expect to get that magical type of love portrayed in shows.

i wish i wasn’t a soft hearted person who cries at even the slides in tiktok where a cat dies. i wish i didn’t always say such cheesy and romantic words that overwhelms people. i wish i wasn’t childlike. i wish i was just normal and like everybody else but at the same time that terrifies me, being ordinary terrifies me.

i wonder what the reason is for my existence.

i wonder what will become of me when the times comes and i’m fully healed.

i wonder if people truly love me or the idea of me.

i truly wonder.