I hate it but I don't know how to fix it.

I was this smart kid that everyone loved and liked. I was really confident that everywhere I go, someone would talk about how smart I was. Altho it seemed I was kind of "kilala" I grew up aloof, I was a friend to all but really a friend to none, naks.

But during SHS, I found people who are really there for me. I remember nag-away pa kami non when I said I can literally give them up when an instance asks for it. They cried and doon ako nag-start na maging mas empathetic sa kanila. With them, I was not just a smart guy, they saw a fun, loving, sweet and funny guy who would the even the stupidest thing basta kasama ko sila. It was fun, kasama ko sila sa lahat ng bagay, we've seen each other's highs and lows, and nothing could replace it. I really believe sa kanila ko unang naranasan na malungkot/magkaproblema but coz they were there everything was better.

College magkakahiwalay na kami, I entered this premiere univ and lahat don matalino. I was just a nobody, given na I was from an "unknown" school. Despite that, I kinda excel naman pero don ko unang narealize na I really craved validations. Binalik samin yong pinakauna naming exam, I got 92/100. Nice, di ba pero no one cared to ask kung anong score ko while they were asking each other's score. Given na mahirap yong exam, "wow" na agad kahit maka-60 ka given almost half samin bagsak. I was just there, hoping someone to congratulate me since I fucking got a 92, but no one did. I wanted to be happy pero shet walang nagcongratulate sakin, but yeah di ko rin alam bakit kanilangan ko pa non.

Hindi naman ako ganyan lagi pero diyan ko unang nafeel na parang dapat lahat ng mangyayari o pipiliin ko ay katanggap-tanggap sa iba. Never pa akong nagkajowa, pero I would immediately turn down someone if one of my friends don't see them as cute or pogi, nasasad if I go out with someone and they don't compliment any of my traits, be it physical or other aspects. Basically, I just always hope I get validated para lang maboost yong morale or confidence ko. Well, they were right when they told that I always seek for a CONSTANT validation. Sakin, parang nasanay na ako and ang hirap pag nawala na yon.

To cut it short, I came to a point na I always need someone to make me believe na I'm good enough or I'm doing well enough just. I hate it kasi nabubuwang ako kapag walang nagsasabi non sakin :< idk huhu