As I was watching Neon Genesis Evangelion earlier, I find myself pondering about how the hedgehog dilemma comes into play.

The hedgehog dilemma is the situation wherein hedgehogs crave warmth so bad but is unable to achieve it — because in any attempt to huddle closer to another hedgehog, their quills inevitably hurt each other. People can be like that. I myself, included. I yearn and crave the touch, the warm, the feeling of intimacy with another person but I'm also deeply scared of hurting/being hurt.

It's the axis of love vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known. The more you love and get closer to a person, the more that you let them hold the knife that turns inside of you.

I've completely isolated myself. I'm like a hermit now. I feel safe in my cave but at the same time, I feel lonely. But maybe loneliness is a good thing. When people aren't around to trigger me, I can maintain my peace of mind. I can maintain my 'self' and not lose my individuality. When I get involved with someone, I often find it happier to appease them at the expense of my self. Because deep down, I'm scared that if I allow myself to be taken care of in the way that I've always wanted, I would get hurt. Or it is a trap. I'm scared to say what I've needed or wanted in fear of rejection. In fear of it not being met.

So who am I without all those people? What does my soul look like without any souls attached to it? What do I look like when my hands aren't bloodied as I attempt to touch the red string of fate?

I'm Saiph. I go by that name because I chose to. It's my identity hold of myself.

I like to create. Destructive phenomena is a reoccuring theme in my life. I have been destroyed and let down by the people I loved. Walking burnt bridges had left indellible scars in me. Sometimes, I'm the arsonist. I set the house on fire when I no longer feel at home. As the ashes of the wildfire come into light in the aftermath, I realize that in spite of destruction, I want to create. I want to breathe life and fire into what my heart wants. It's the only power that had always helped me rise from the ashes like the phoenix that I am.

Rupture, revival. Rinse and repeat. Rebirth. In the ever changing tides of who I am, I find it hard to keep up, even with myself. Who am I really if I'm always destroyed and rebuilt? Am I just a patched up clockwork from pieces that are used? Am I a collage of polaroids frozen in moments of time with people I no longer even knew anymore? Am I a collection of the people that I have loved and simultaneously been hurt by?

I've lost myself multiple times in the masks I've worn out. Sometimes, when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel like I'm staring at a stranger. I feel disconnected from my body.

But if there's one thing that I'm sure of, is that I love my hands. I loved their ability to draw, to photograph, to create films about my thoughts. And I regret ever hurting them. I regret driving knives inside me like how other people did. I thought that since I get hurt so much, I deserved it. It was like punishment for being who I am. I regret allowing myself to get hurt and then hurting. I knew deep down that I've always wanted pure, unadulterated love. I wanted acceptance.

I know that it isn't me at all. I know that my heart can beat and I wished that I find the people whose heart can synchronize with my rhythm.

I no longer want to stay in abandoned places with people who make me feel abandoned.

And maybe, there and then, the hedgehog dilemma wouldn't be so real anymore.