I am just tired of life right now and I don't what I want to do. There are three things my life is focusing on right now. (1) Self (2) Relationship (3) Work. None of them are great. I feel like committing suicide but even that I'm too tired to think of. I don't know, suicide has become a recurring thought that it now just feels like a chore. But today, I'll be talking about my relationship as it seems to be putting me into my misery the most.

Last year, I met with this amazing girl through a dating app. I courted her for months and got her to say yes after 6 months of dates and laughter. It was truly a remarkable experience as she was my first girlfriend. We had fights but I can barely remember that right now. All I remember it just happened under my nose. It felt like a fairy tale from a children's book because we were so compatible, from hobbies to values. I couldn't ask for a better match. When we were together and things were starting to get real, we were starting to fight a lot. One fight that kept occurring was the long-distance relationship, Pampanga (her) to QC (me). So, that suddenly hit us as the logistics were getting in the way. I tried to explain it to her but she didn't make it easy for me. This went on and I realized that I've been spending more than earning. This was getting unsustainable. I will get broke and may lose her along the way. I had other prospects of earning but it won't be enough to sustain our relationship. After months of enduring this, I broke up with her. I was very unsure of this decision but my logical and practical side prevailed and chose to end things with her.

Now, several months has passed. My heart is still lingering for her. I don't understand my own decision. I want her back because I miss her so much. I miss my life being with her and how she made my life happy. I know, myself, a relationship won't last with love alone. You need to make it work, adapt to different situations, and make it sustainable. A part of me felt that I ended things too quickly. Right now, I don't know if I want to move on or go back to her. It is causing me so much anxiety. I want someone to punch me in the face and tell me what to do! I keep on crying to the same problem every day hoping it will fade with each day passes.

As my process of trying to get over her, I tried talking to other girls but it kept on me reminding of her. I am considering looking for FWB but I know deep down that won't help. I feel I just want someone to talk to. I'm considering paying someone to sleep with me but again, I think that will make things worse. Anything I do right now just hurts me back. I'm running out of ideas. I just want her back. I already screwed up and I don't want her to hurt her anymore because of my indecisiveness.

I'm not a talking guy. I don't do rants or tell people my problem. I don't like the feeling of burdening someone else with my problems and my choices. Usually, if I am stressed like this I go for a run and tire myself out. I don't think this is the same thing though. I only found out about Reddit recently that's why I'm able to express myself like this (in incognito).