I was recently diagnosed with leukemia, about three weeks ago. I'm in my early 30s, and it came as a massive shock because I didn't exhibit any symptoms. It was caught through a routine CBC for an unrelated procedure. While the diagnosis shook my world, learning that my prognosis is very good has somewhat helped with my anxiety. I have a good support system, supportive parents, siblings, friends, and the best partner who held my hand through the whole journey of learning about my disease.

But with my last check-up, I was told that the one thing I should really, really avoid right now is getting pregnant. With chemo meds and the cancer, it's going to be really difficult for me and the baby if I get pregnant now. I have long-term contraception, so getting pregnant hasn't been a worry for a couple of years now. But with my age and my prognosis, it will be unlikely that I'll have children. With my type of leukemia, while it's milder, I will be on medication for many years and have to get my blood levels stable for at least 2 years before going into treatment-free remission.

So basically, I won't be 'cleared' to get pregnant until my late 30s, maybe 40s given my current age, making getting pregnant harder. I know getting pregnant in your late 30s and 40s is possible, but on top of just having chronic cancer in general, it's just overall not a great idea.

Somehow, this is making me sadder than having the actual cancer.

I used to be staunchly childfree, with my views softening as I age. Strong no, to maybe to, 'if it happens, I'll welcome it' over the years. Now I finally have an amazing partner who I just know would be a good father and want children. I've only started dreaming of having children and building a home with my partner, and now I feel like the rug was just suddenly pulled out from under me.

I know there are alternate ways to have children; we can always go for adoption. My partner is 100% okay if we never have children. But I'm still reeling from this life-changing news that I don't want to think about that now.

Life just feels unfair sometimes.