To start off I would like everyone to know that the initial basis of this post happened years ago in 2017. I would also like to state that I do not consider myself an insecure person or general lacking in confidence.

So, let’s travel back to 2017, I (a then 22, GayM), had found a new group of friends through our love of karaoke. We’d been going out every weekend for the better part of 6 or 7 months. We’d gotten really close and I considered these people some of my closest friends. We’d done sleepovers, brunch, lunch, I was living with my now fiancé on campus at a local college and one of the friend group worked at the college so we saw each other fairly often.

Before meeting these people I was on some rough times, emotionally, financially and mentally. I’d found my outlet in karaoke and having them as my confidants. I even helped the two members of the friend group(We’ll call them A and L), who would become the catalyst of some of my darkest days, realize they liked each other. (They are now married and I still couldn’t be more happy for them even if we are no longer friends.)

So Halloween weekend arrived we all decide to go to one of our favorite karaoke places in costumes and just have a general good time. I had planned to stay the night with A as her apartment was right down the street from the karaoke spot in our downtown area and I didn’t want to make my, now fiancé, wait up late to pick me up, as at this time I was without a vehicle.

My costume for the evening was Whitney Houston and I had just started my journey in drag and was still slightly on edge going out in public and being seen as I live in the south and it honestly was very hard for me to go out in public without running into someone that I knew and it getting back to my parents. So A, L and I along with our friend V, headed out to the bar after getting our costumes on and pregaming a bit.

After getting to the bar and having a few drinks, singing a few songs we were having a good time. While dancing around I noticed a guy over at the bar laughing with a very lovely young lady. I realized his phone was out and pointed at me. He realized I was watching him and slowly put down his phone and turned around to the bar. I suddenly became very self conscious and left the dance floor to sit back at our table. I also noticed that V had been particularly quiet through out the evening. And implored as to what was wrong. She said there wasn’t anything wrong but that felt untrue and she excused herself to the restroom. L followed her and came back shortly after.

L sat down across from me and states “Hey this isn’t about you and it’s not your fault but in general V is just at a point that drag makes her feel a bit uncomfortable.” While this was a shock as I told them what my costume would be, I was very understanding of V’s POV(for context V was early in her transition and I believe drag may have been a trigger of gender-dysphoria for her.

Rather than continue to make her feel strange around me and I already feeling uncomfortable from the guy obviously recording me I decided I would end my night here and just go back home. They said okay and that was that.

I stepped outside and walked towards A’s apartment so I would at least be somewhere familiar while I called my partner and waited. I called my partner who was annoyed and we got into an argument after I explained what happened. I eventually just got tired of arguing and hung up. At this point I had been outside for at least twenty minutes when someone coming into A’s building verbally assaulted me and threatened me for being in drag.

At this point I am crying and shaking. Another 20 minutes goes bye and my partner pulls up and I’m so upset with everything at this point I tell him to just leave and go away. He refuses to do so and tells me to get in his car. We argue for another few minutes when I see A, V and L coming up the street. I hear “is that [My name]?” I decide I don’t want them to see me in this pitiful state and just turn around and walk away.

I hear them and my partner calling my name but I can’t stop myself from moving. I end up walking from our downtown area back to the college at 2am. For the record it took me 2.5 hours to do this walk. In heels, in drag, in the middle of the night, in the south.

The next day I just stay in bed for the entire day and left my phone off as it had died on the walk home. The day after that I was finally feeling okayish. I let my phone charge and check messages however I have been removed from our karaoke group chats and have been blocked by A and L. I finally get in contact with L and wonder what’s going on. She states that I made them worry and I should contact A as my weekend bag was still at her apartment. I finally get in contact with A and head over to grab my belongings. I arrive and she looks at me and asks if I’m going to tell them what happened Halloween night. I tell her that I am still processing and would not like to discuss it at this time. She’s says okay and leaves.

By the time I make it home I realize I have been rebooked with a message stating I owe the entire group an apology for being a bad friend and making them worry about me and there would be no contact going forward until then. I find this a little strange and then in my mind I decide that they all hate me so I wouldn’t be going back out. I had convinced myself that they turned everyone I had met over the last half year against me and told them I was a terrible person. This sent me into a weeks long downward spiral, my partner and I broke up, I moved found new friends and got the courage to go back out to the karaoke spots. I ran into others from that original friend group and they were so happy to see me after like two months. They said A and L had given no details just that I had caused a falling out between us.

Over the years I’ve given an abridged version to people that ask but this is the most detailed write out I could do. It has now been 6 years since this incident. I had not seen or heard from A or L since the day that I got my bag back from A’s apartment. V and I have since seen each other a handful of times and have expressed that neither of us blame each other for that night.

Well a couple of months ago I go to a certain karaoke spot and I see A and L. I’m certain L sees me and she just turns around and ignores me. At this bar they display the singers name and song on a screen so you can always see what’s happening soon. I see A and L names on the list with there songs which seem pretty standard for them. I go to the dj booth to put in a song and I know A sees me at this point too. She gets called up to the dj and before her song starts she says something to him. I then see her song change from what she had originally to a song I used to sing regularly when we all went to karaoke together. I tear up as I know this is petty message to me. L is followed immediately after her and changes her song as well to “Fuck You” by Ceelo Green.

I go outside to cry and join friends to talk and calm down. A and L join us and A bumps into me to join the circle and just goes ”Oops did I bump you?” And turns around before I can respond. I step away from her and go back inside when my name is called sing my song and go.

And that was the last time I saw A and L.