this year has been TOUGH. I dropped out of school last March due to a huge friendship break up because it really affected me mentally, then went back to school the next semester, BUT.. No no no, the universe really said "patikim pa lang to" and I received news that a certain family member can only support me financially until december due to personal reasons.

and lo and behold, i dropped out yet again LITERALLY a month after i just started going to school. i could've just finished it pero tang ina, di kinaya ng mental health ko when i got the news. parang na-rattle ako bigla. instead of saving up the money na pinapadala nya every month, inubos ko sa mga luho ko. bad financial move, but i had no choice but to spend shit or else im going to unalive myself insetad.

now that it's december, di ko na alam anong next move ko. the past few months have been mentally hard. i may went on vacations pero once na dadating ako sa bahay, I'd always end up depressed because once this year ends, im literally on my own.

im literally rotting rn. the only thing thats keeps me sane are my books and my Kindle. reading has helped me escape reality. There's a voice inside my head saying i should get a job ASAP just to be sure. But at the same time, it's also saying to take my time and save up the remaining money i have and be frugal in the next few months.

my sleep hasn't been very good as well. talo pa sa mga call center agents yung schedule ng tulog ko kasi pa iba2. my insomnia got worse because of it. there's not a day i would wake up with a heavy feeling in my chest knowning im going to be on my own.

i want to apply jobs rn pero im scared because if i start finding it, parang confirmed na sa utak ko na this is going to be the last time im going to have a "free time". parang namulat na ako sa realidad. and thinking about that just gives me anxiety, hence why ayoko pa mag hanap ng trabaho.

the thought of me being a college dropout is also keeping me up at night. i literally had to deactivate all my soc med accs bec i don't wanna see my peers graduating and shit. parang sumisikip lalo dibdib ko.

it sucks because ive always wanted to finish college. pero tang ina parang tine-test talaga ako ng panahon. i opened up to my best friend and sinabihan nya ako to just calm down since confident siya na makakahanap ako ng trabaho sa BPO bec i do have a work experience in the industry, pero ewan ko, parang nawala confidence ko bigla. andaming "what ifs"? what if di ako makapasa job interviews? what if di ko kaya mag BPO?

hindi ko na talaga alam anong next move ko. di ko alam anong gagawin.