It shouldn't be like this.

I'm waiting for our turn to go onstage, and I should be all fired up and giddy just like the other girls but I'm actually feeling a little upset bec our designer was assigned for the finale. I'll be stuck here until nightfall, no doubt. We've been here since 7am for makeup and final rehearsal, and the only things I've eaten are a bite of banana and 1/8 of a sandwich.

I loathe sounding ungrateful, truly, but this isn't the life for me. I am fully cognizant of that fact. And life is too short to be okay with lack of sleep, lack of food, and maybe even lack of happiness. I haven't felt good about myself for a while. Which is highly ironic given what I've been doing. Yes, this may be THE dream for many—but it isn't mine. Happiness cannot be found while stressing over how to set my facial expression so I'll look good in photos. Happiness cannot be found while teetering in 6-inch heels, worried sick that I'd fracture my ankles if I fall. Happiness cannot be found while spending hours with my waist cinched with a waist trainer.

Happiness is driving around and getting Coke float at a drive-thru. Happiness is spending the weekend in bed with my Kindle.

The end of December can't come soon enough for me.