Growing up taught with a mindset of just shut up and obey so you don't get in trouble had eff-ed me over so many times in my life. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just a robot being controlled by my parents.

I just hate this culture of false authority that is indoctrinated within this country.

I always had no say in my life. From the degree program I finished to what I should do in life--all was dictated and forced upon me. I tried to stand up for myself a few times but all they said was I'm wrong and my decisions are not good enough and I should just get in with their ideas. So I did.

I had a nice job--it was enough for me to live by and it gave me peace of mind. But then, my parents wanted me to pursue something else so like the usual, had to shut up and obey so that I don't get in trouble even if I have been against it from the start.

I resigned from my job, did what they wanted me to do and now it all fucked over and now everything is spiraling down. And the worst part is, it's my fault that shit went south. And my dad even told me, "You'll 'expire' soon since you're in your 20s and have no plans in life." and that just hurts.

But the person I hate the most is myself, honestly. I never learned to stand up for myself. I never learned to make and own decisions for myself--to win, and fail on my own. I never learned to communicate what I wanted properly. And I hate that I'm a broken person who lacks important life skills in this current times.

For the past few days, my mind had been relapsing badly. I never get enough sleep. And I've been thinking of S-H-ing myself again after being clean since 2016. Sometimes I think of the S-word, too.

I wanna go to therapy but I don't have the privilege to.

I just wish I can tell my younger self to be able to fail and solve things on their own terms so that they wouldn't feel as lost as I am.