Turning 30 tomorrow, and to be honest, I don't know what to feel. All I know is that I'm not okay. With all the craziness and battles I've fought with, I think I've already had enough. Life won't get any better as I grow older. The past few months have consumed me, leading me into a deep, dark void of despair and sadness, and I can't figure out why. It's as if I've reached a point of hating myself and gaslighting my own emotions. I question why I'm feeling so sad. I have a stable job, but it's become a source of frustration. I despise myself for merely getting by and doing the bare minimum, yet simultaneously, I'm exhausted from giving so much of myself to work.

I'm also burdened by a loan that I didn't even get to enjoy; it was forced upon me by my family. They view me as their personal bank account, constantly relying on me. I've had to be the responsible one, particularly with my delusional parents. On top of this, I'm dealing with a lifelong disease, and yet here I am, tirelessly working instead of allowing myself to rest. Although I know I can count on my friends, they've all moved on to their own separate lives, and I don't want to impose my struggles on them. I'm genuinely happy about their life progress, but I can't help but feel envious about why my own life isn't improving.

My love life is nonexistent. I haven't dated in a long time, and my past relationships have been nothing but mismatches. I've given up on the idea, as getting to know someone alongside all my responsibilities feels overwhelmingly draining. I'm consumed by my inner demons, plagued by thoughts of not being good enough. I recall my grandma telling me as a child, "Maybe if you weren't born, our lives would be so much better." Though I've forgiven her, my twelve-year-old self struggles to let go, as her words seem logically correct, making me feel obligated to fix the situation "I created" by being born.

To be candid, I hold two birthday wishes, but they're confined to my thoughts. I wouldn't ask my friends or family for these, but they weigh heavily on my mind:

I wish for a simple gathering with my friends to remind me to keep going. I've felt alone for the longest time and haven't had the chance to reconnect with them. It doesn't need to be extravagant; I just want to spend time with them and have some fun, even if only for a short while.

End it. I realize this sounds dark, but I'm not feeling fulfilled. I believe I've had my share of life's experiences – I've known loving friends, enjoyed fun moments during my teenage years, and done my best to serve my family despite their shortcomings. I've worked for various companies and interacted with different people. At this point, it feels like I've had enough. While ending my life might not significantly impact others, these thoughts have been persistently haunting me.