I can't breathe as I'm typing this out. I'm on a trip with my grandmother to the US to see my brother after he moved here a month ago, and "all of a sudden" she's having breathing problems and can't go without the oxygen concentrator I bought for her a few years back. I'm glad she got to use it, but at the same time I'm not. When we were in Manila, she was fine and walking around. Now that we're in Florida, we had this entire trip and itinerary planned, but she's been too sick to do anything with us.

My lola is 72 years old, a workaholic, and doesn't look her age at all. We just came from a Japan trip and she powered through it. She's one of those people who pretend like they aren't hurting. I have a feeling she's been keeping a lot of her health problems from the family, because she doesn't want to be a burden, and that breaks my heart.

For context, I'm an addict. She sent me to rehab seven years ago, and it was hard for her, because she'd been taking care of my kuya and I for as long as we can remember because our mom was an addict too. Tangina, she's basically our mom.

I keep telling my brother to bring her to the hospital but he's telling me the bills might pile up and they might find out he's undocumented. I don't know if I'm being weird by thinking it's so fucking selfish of him to do that. I've consulted our family doctors, and they all say the same: send her to the ER.

Now, my brother is a decade older and has the car and the money. I don't have any power in this house or on this trip.

I don't know what else to say. My family is outside having dinner while I'm in the room praying with my grandmother despite not being much of a believer because prayer comforts her. I'm taking her oxygen saturation every ten minutes and it's dropping to 65. I want to do something, but the fear is stopping me. She keeps saying she's fine and not to call anyone, but she clearly isn't. I can hear her wheeze as I type this. Tears are falling down my eyes. I decided to rant somewhere because I deactivated everything else and feel like I have no one to talk to. I'm only on here because I want to distract myself. I can't imagine losing my lola. I love her so much I wish I could give her my life instead. I don't like seeing her suffer.

I tried to kill myself two years ago, and she was the one who stayed with me throughout my recovery. I literally owe her my life. Please, can someone please tell me to let her live instead of me. May trade-in ba sa buhay?