I realized na lately, pakiramdam ko, I can only get close with someone by being so sexual with them. Alam kong walang mali dun and I think it is something normal na sa generation and time natin.

But I realized just now na di ko pala talaga kayang gampanan. Nakakatakot rin for me kasi madali akong maattach. May part din sa akin na I had a short-lived relationship with someone. Oo, di ko inakala na matatapos kaagad. Kaya that time, akala namin okay lang na ako first niya, na she did it with me first. I don't regret doing it with her at all. But I am sad na I got it. Kasi she should do it with someone na she could have lasted with for a lot longer. Sana we did it nung mas tumagal na kami. Kaso wala, natapos kaagad.

I ended it for really valid reasons. It was not working and we hurt each other too much. I still wanted to fix it and probably wait a bit. But after hearing na she entertained someone na by New Year while I was waiting for her to message me, to tell me na we could still work it out and would work it out, all of those thoughts vanished. I am doing way better now and I am not even wondering about how she is doing na after that traumatic event for me. The only thing now is that I dread sleeping sometimes. Binabangungot ako lagi. Dun sa dreams ko, I would be reminded of all the things that happened and the thought of her being lovey dovey with someone else just more than a week of our breakup.

Lately, I was thinking, I miss being with someone and also being sexual with them. But just today, I realized, di para pala sa akin yun. Takot na akong ulitin yun kasi aside sa naaattach ako agad, may part na iniisip kong baka matraumatize ulit ako. Ang taas ng walls ko nun kaso nabasag niya. Pero what happened after was that, my self worth and such kind of degraded. Di sex hanap niya sa akin, for sure. But pakiramdam ko, I have to beg to received the love I deserve/d.

Di ako masyadong matapang to have sex with others kasi baka for them, wala lang. Tapos ako, ayun, masyado nang trinatratong special yung nakasex. In the end, mawawala yung tao kasi fwb lang e tas attached na ako masyado. For sure, maprepressure siya tas ako naman, masasaktan.

Bakit kasi I easily get turned on and horny all the time tas di ko naman kaya na ONS/Fubu/FWB lang? Sana bumalik na lang ako sa dati na kahit horny, mas kaya ko nang ihandle hormones ko.

Susubukan ko nang makipagdate eventually without being okay with having sex agad. Oo, syempre, iaask ko if compatible ba kami sa sex once we established na we want to date exclusively na. But di na ako papakarupok hahaha. Hayy. Ang scattered ng thoughts ko pero ayun.

I just want to enjoy other people's company na beyond sex ulit. Libog ko masyado e.