I feel hyper affectionate, I feel a absolute abundance I was just pure raw affection and it's making me feel extremely lonely. It's all I can think about is all I can focus on it's all I want. In this very moment it's all I can live for, and this feeling of affection just won't stop building. It makes me feel so dead not having someone to express this to and love up on

Honestly it's causing me to disassociate oh, I feel alone even when I'm talking to people. I have so much affection building up inside yet I feel so absolutely empty. Feels like I could combust at any moment. All I want to do is love up on someone and that's all I care about ar the moment. Which makes it really hard to focus or even register that other people exist. I feel completely isolated I don't even recognize the passage of time

I am starting to fall into a cycle of Mental dysphoria, extreme depression, lack of motivation, complete emptiness, a lack of empathy or sympathy, morally drained, I can't really bring myself to care, blackouts, time displacement, nothing really matters, emotionally not here, disassociating to the point of feeling sick and mostly working on auto. I can't seem to bring myself to care about anything or anyone at this very long. And I feel so empty that I might as well not exist

Oh I should probably mention that I have a couple of this orders dealing with obsession, intimacy addiction, person addiction, extreme attachment, separation anxiety and a number of other things which I'm sure you probably already know but I'm just mentioning it again for the purpose of keeping everything clear.

Like how my brain is wired I'm only able to love literally one person at a time. Everybody else is pretty much secondary like genuinely and completely secondary. Like I care for them but I care for them the same way I care for a pet or a character in a book. That includes my family and I know that's fucked up and broken but that's kind of how I'm wired. A lot of my feelings and affection towards like platonic and family relationship is artificial, or pseudo affection

The only time I feel real actual affection, extreme care, extreme intimacy and closeness, is when I'm addicted and attached to someone. Which is probably why I get so fucking obsessed with them

When I say they are the most important person in my life they are literally the most important person in my life. Even above my own family that is how intensely addicted I am to them

Crazier yet it is harder for me to maintain and actually engage with platonic and family relationships when I am not in a romantic relationship and not attached to someone. It becomes difficult to do and become unmotivated it's hard to care everything is meaningless to me and then I begin to feel more and more empty the longer and longer I am like single. It becomes a lot more difficult to function properly

I have more manic episodes more moments of unstable ability more moments like this where I am completely dying inside completely just void because I don't have someone to love up on and I know that is wrong and broken and that is a form of dependency but it's like I was designed like this

Genuinely nothing happened in my life the cause is to happen I genuinely had my first crush before anything bad in my life happened or anything traumatizing and I was like that then and I'm like that now. The only difference is I'm a lot worse and that might be because of years of restraint, holding back, trying to keep it contained, trying to ignore it, trying to kill it get rid of it.

So right now I'm just hyper affectionate in need of obsession addiction and attachment

I know being single is a normal problem to have. I know it's not a big deal. But for me it is dire and unnerving. Some days are definitely worse than others, some days it feels like it's completely non-existent and only a dream. But it's definitely something I have to face it's definitely something I have to struggle through constantly when I'm by myself. It's not something a lot of people understand or get which is why I'm posting this to let people know they're not the only ones who deal with it. They're not the only ones who feel this way because I know what it feels like to feel like you're just broken and isolated in there is no one who can understand you. This is the kind of pain that I have to live with and fight against and somehow I'll make it through. It is definitely a horrible design but it was how I was design. I know there are more of you. I know there are people who can relate to this. I know I'm not the only one who feels this kind of emptiness in this kind of situation to feel like their entire world is slowly crumbling Into itself. Who feels this constant emotional distress eating away at them. Its hard and difficult to face when it does happen and we feels these thing. But we can keep pushing