I stare her in the face
Dark circles painting my eyes and hers alike
And I beg, practically scream
Can't you tell me?
how to be good to you?
how to give and take
in the right amounts?
how to stand firm
and yet move
when it's right to?
She looks at my eyes curiously
As more bile spews from me
My innards made putrid by all I've held onto

I cry out
One part in hope
Two parts in hurt
As is everything I do
how do I touch you?
How do I hold you?
How do I show you
My human self
And how do I be him?
Or her or whoever
how do I crawl from these deep deep trenches
And give what is practically bursting from my chest?

how do I show kindness
without being used up?
And how do I desire you
without making you my plaything?
How do I know
when it's your turn to carry the load?
And when it's mine?
How do I know
the way to clean a home I've never owned?
how do I treat you rightly
When every mirror I have breaks in my hands
And when my face leers strangely at me whenever I look away
Every heart I've held
Has run from me
Just when it chose to beat in time
With mine
And now my hands shake so fiercely
They've lost their tender touch

And more such nonsense issues from me
As she studies, eyes drinking my exposed frailty
And after heaving coughs conclude my unwilling soliloquy
She just nods and smiles sadly
Am I your keeper?
My eyes begin to bleed
Am I meant to teach you?
How to be a human person?
For what?
Out of the goodness of my heart?
These things are not something I can give you
You must learn them yourself
So like a frostbitten person in the middle of winter
I do my best to gather the kindling
As silent sobs rattle down my spine

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