I (m46) am diagnosed as avoidant/ocpd (though some people including my ex think I am also on the spectrum).

I went trough a protracted multi-stage breakup with my ex of 2-3 years. We where both insecurely attached and struggled with feeling loved/low self esteem.

It has always been her who broke it off (dramatically out of the blue) and then breadcrumb/reel me back in. She kept doing it even after our last breakup, and I decided stupidly to hang around and got suckered into being attached all over. She got a burnout/depression and I did my best to support her and the kids, and she kept breadcrumbing but never really drawing a line or comitting to anything, kept pushing and pulling me all over the place. I got completely lost. I got the suspicion she is somewhat BPD.

I had a bit of a meltdown one day (some heated words, my chair shoved back to a wall, storming out the room muttering I cant deal with this shit), and she attempted to ghost me. Which went pretty poorly because she owes me $20k and had various of my gadgets and power tools worth $2500 at her home, and I was of no mind to just forget about it (seeing as I had showered her lavishly with practical, emotional and material support amounting to $200k during our time together, I considered it a matter of minimum respect and decency to get these affairs in order). It has been like pulling teeth.

We spoke last 9 months ago, and she is on my mind every day. My feelings wander all over the place, self hate, self pitty, bad self talk, anger, indignation, crumpiness, procastination, depression, etc. I find this preoccupation very annoying and unproductive. Some days are better (when my routines work well and I keep busy), others are a slog. It was way worse the first few months. But still, it is a daily battle to get trough.

I am trying mindfulness techniques, guided meditation, journaling, therapy, working out, eating better, sleep hygiene, focusing on what sparse social contacts I have, following projects/hobbies, etc. Sometimes that goes better, othertimes it does not.

If there was an amesia pill to forget the last 4 years ever happened, I would take it.

Are there any tips for people of my personality style/neurodiversity that you found to be effective in dealing with these difficulties of relationships/breakup? I understand that what I went trough is pretty normal and par of the course in breakups these days. Yet I do find it extraordinarily difficult to deal with…