I have a non-substance addiction to something that people often call "harmless" but it has been destroying me, my life, and how I look at myself. I had managed to be clean for over half a year but then I slipped. And after that I couldn't abstain anymore. The reason? Ocd.

Confirmation ocd. I doubt everything. I get anxious when experiencing withdrawal or thinking about the addiction and to relieve myself I end up using the addictive material. I have a vivid memory of it's pleasure - this never falters, but for some reason all of the memories of it destroying my life and making me feel suicidal start getting more and more doubtful / uncertain to the point where I end up thinking "why don't we try it?" and the cycle restarts.

For the large part, the ocd revolves around the addiction itself (making sure it IS actually bad for me). But in the past it has manifested as existential ocd when exploring faith, purpose, religion and spirituality (making sure some perspective is true or not - whether it's atheism, or faith, etc).

I am trying to survive but my life is miserable because of the addiction and the ocd. It is killing me and I don't know what to do. I don't even know if there have been people like me before who have had addiction and ocd. And I don't just mean co-occuring ocd and addiction, I mean the ocd specifically revolving around the addiction such that "confirming the addictive stuff is bad" is the obsession itself (as opposed to people turning to alcohol etc to cope from ocd symptoms unrelated to alcohol etc).

I want to live but with therapy not being available for me I think this is a death sentence and I can't see a way out. Please help me if you can.