Recently, my mother came to visit me, and while she knows about the OCD, the medication, and therapy, I try my best not to let it interfere with her visit. So whenever she would pick something up off the ground, push something down in the trash that she was throwing away, or put her feet up on the footlocker that has the tv remote on the same surface, I did my best not to have any issues or for lack of a better phrase, a freak out about whatever might have been pushing my buttons on contamination, and I did not wipe anything down with a clorox wipe that she had touched or that I felt was contaminated.

She is back home and it's been a few days, and I've been slowly wiping down one or two things, but not going over board with wiping every single surface, light switch, or faucet handle. Thanks to therapy, I know that there is nothing to be done because for one thing, I'm still alive and typing all of this out for you to read. My contamination issues have more to do with feeling okay about touching anything in my apartment that I feel is clean, or as my therapist would put it, the just right kind of feeling.

While I do keep a relatively clean apartment most of the time, and I'm sure I'll be wiping and spraying down surfaces tonight, at this moment, it's really about learning to accept that if I wipe the surface and then spray it with disinfectant, it's effectively clean; however, one issue that I've always had is seeing the white foam or bubbles from these products to try and provide some kind of evidence for me that I did just clean the item or surface that I was just cleaning. If I can't see it, I end up repeating the wiping to ensure that the surface is wet with the product and I can relax a little bit and move on, but it's not something that comes to me easily.

Trying to clean and sanitize surfaces don't seem to be a bad thing to me, especially all things that are currently going on in the world, but I'm just trying to learn not to spend ten minutes wiping down something a dozen or more times, when once was enough. It definitely raises my flight reflex or my anxiety close to a ten unless I repeat the wiping, but it is going to take understanding, patience, and practice. Reminding myself that something is okay to touch even after you wipe once and if spraying it once.

I'm not sure how unique these symptoms of contamination are to me, but like I said in the beginning, I just wanted to vent and get it out in the open and hope that it helps me in my future cleaning of my apartment. Also, I'm extremely worried about what the clorox wipes do to my hands after constant usage, and then washing my hands after using the wipes. With all of the wiping and washing, my hands suffer greatly to the point where I'm trying to avoid cleaning at the moment so my hands can maintain their integrity and not bleed or have open cuts that would in essence, defeat the purpose of cleaning and trying to sanitize.

Enough for now, I'm going to go and try to clean as quickly as I can or at least do it in parts so as not to overdue it and wear my skin down. I apologize in advance if this has been upsetting for anyone to read and I hope that you know that it wasn't my intent to increase your anxiety, but rather to try and let you know that you are not alone and that there is help out there, you just have to ask.

Have a good night reader.