First time posting here, apologies in advance for any formatting errors and if anything goes against the rules please delete this... For about 5yrs now I think I may have been experiencing ocd related to the shower/bathroom and a few other general things. At one point in time I lived in a homeless shelter, and had taken several showers in the shelter. Inside the showers, the water would sometimes take a while to drain and I remember enjoying the feeling of the warm water covering my feet. I wear glasses, so I didn't see anything bad in the shower. One week it was my turn to clean the showers, and once I got up close to the bottom of the showers with my glasses on, realized that they were draining slowly because the drains were full of hair and there was black stuff (I think mold) all around the showers. I was absolutely mortified and felt so uncomfortable every time I took a shower there since.

Things improved in my life, although there have been a lot of other stressors. Slowly but surely over time though, I've started feeling really dirty and anxious and unsafe in the bathroom, especially when showering or cleaning the bathroom. I have to wear disposable gloves and often have to change pairs several times while I clean the bathroom. And after cleaning the shower, I feel like its just MORE dirty and I feel even less like taking a shower.

I had a stable home with two male roommates for about a year. The deal was that they would clean the bathroom because of my issues with it. One of them had a mat in the shower, and the bottom of the mat is totally black. He says its dye from his job, but after I discovered the black underside of the mat I haven't been able to feel safe or okay in that shower.

As of the end of last month, I lost that home and have been in hotels and 2 other homes before finally finding my current living situation, which I have secured for a month. With each new living arrangement, I've become increasingly more and more uncomfortable with the bathroom and its really really bad now. The shower here in my current home is actually really nice, its a little old but its clean and big. But there are several cracks in the tile on the floor which bother me, a seat/ledge in there which bothers me, and the tile surrounding the drain is lower than the other tiles. All pf these things sound totally normal but they drive me nuts and make me feel like I have to be careful of where I step and what parts of the shower I touch. I feel like I have to be careful about where the water touches too, eg it can't touch the seat thing and if it does it has to be super super hot.

One of my friends helped me move in here and he knows about my bathroom issues, so he cleaned the entire shower with a bleach product and then wiped it down with sanitizing wipes afterwards so I know its technically clean, but it still freaks me out so bad. I've managed to shower on a daily basis since moving in here but it just is such an uncomfortable and upsetting experience and I'm finding these feelings are starting to "bleed" into other everyday things like the kitchen or other surfaces.

There is a dish rack here with some old black residue in the cracks of it, so washing my dishes makes me feel like they aren't fully clean, but I can't bring myself to clean the dish rack because in my mind, even if I use gloves and disinfecting wipes, the germs and bad things are still getting on my fingers. There are some things that are older and scuffed up in this apartment, and it feels like everything is constantly dirty and unsafe.

I've never really been a huge germaphobe, and I have PDD so cleaning in general isn't one of my strong points and I have been known to get depressed and let dishes pile up, etc... Sorry for such a long post, thanks to anyone who made it this far. I guess I just need some validation/reassurance and some advice? I know therapy is the best route but I'm not able to afford it right now. And I know exposure is supposed to help, but exposure seems to male me feel worse? The only thing I've found that "works" is to try to distance myself from triggering chores etc as fully as possible, and to keep pushing myself to do the things I normally need to do, but I know that's not very healthy.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this, and does it get better? It feels like my ability to be comfortable in life is slowly but surely fading away and its honestly terrifying me. I'm sure my recent stress has made it worse, but how do I make it better?