I freakin ha*te myself. I can't study and no one seems to comprehend how I just CAN'T, ALL THEY DO, is tell me that im lazy that i have no ambition that I need to motivate myself THAT IM JUST GIVING UP THAT IM JUST LAZY, THAT IM JUST GIVING MYSELF EXCUSES THAT IM JUST RUNING AWAY

I. Freakin. CAN'T

I have been depr3essed for like 4-5 years now ever since my OCD onset. Basically ever since grade 11. It has been getting worse ever since, the inability to study. I used to be a machine, I used to be able to memorize lots, to understand fast and to finish tasks and to memorize all my lessons. I used to be a straight A student, it was very very easy for me. Then OCD hit then I became anxious and depressed, I cannot find help bec therapy here in Egypt is either shit or expensive or both.

I passed my IGCSE's with a miracle from God, cause I had started my executive dysfunction ( i didn't know the name of whatever I had going on back then) in grade 11 or 10. I passed by God's will and whatever little wit I still had

Then I joined Med school, the only place I truly wanted to be in life I know its super hard for someone in my state but its MY DAMN DREAM

I failed year one, I repeated it, I passed now but I still have the biggest subject failed, I have to repeat it in summer, my parents, my friends, EVERYONE, is pressuring me , STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY, YOU CAN PASS THIS DAMN SUBJECT SO U HAVE NOTHING EXTRA IN YEAR 2, YOU ARE BEING LAZYYYY AND YOU ARE GIVING EXCUSESSS YOU ARE NOT AMBITIOUUUUSSS

I CAN'T. I can't understand the info given, i take a long time to understand shit and longer to memorize, I can take a full day in a one hour lecture, my chest and throat tightens from 5 mins of lecture to the point where I can't breathe or tolerate lecture sound anymore, if I finished one section I keep unable to continue for a long time. Im dep*ressed, i have horrible thoughts, OCD keeps me in the bathroom for long exhausting times, I have nightmares, migranes, I look horrible, I have a eating problem, I'm alone and no one talk to me or texts me, nothing interesting happens in my life, tv shows trigger me so I stick to boring annoying youtube vids

You know what? i h*ate life. I can't even take ONE break. just 2 MONTHS, at leat ONE MONTH even, to heal, to breathe, I JUST

everyone here is ignorant, you tell them " executive dysfunction ( I just recently placed a name for it I thought I was going crazy) they keep telling you life coaching shit , I DON'T NEED LIFE COACHING SHIT, I WANT TO HEAL, I WANT TO BE OKAY, I NEED TO BE UNDERSTOOD, I NEED A HUG, SOMEONE TO TELL ME I WILL BE FINE!!! I NEED SOME FREAKIN EMPATHY, I WANT TO FUNCTION AGAIN, I USED TO BE THE BEST NOW IM NOT ANYTHING

WHAT THE FRICK IS WRONG WITH HUMANS

So yea IM ALL ALONE, FORCED TO NOT HAVE A SINGLE MOMENT OF FREAKIN PEACE BECAUSE HOW DARE I

Ps: I can just not take the exam and take the subject with me to take its exam in next years semester 2, but noooooooo, subject is damn locomotor system module, module as in everything related to the locomotor system, parasitology, physiology, anatomy, pharma, biochem, micro, etc etc