When I was younger, my OCD began to manifest when I would look up bands (all genres) A-Z on Wikipedia and downloaded full discographies of each band on that list, well as many as I could until my need to obsess over knowing every single band known to man subsided. This obsession went from music to movies, to shows, to video games. As an adult, I have to be careful to not buy every item out of a collection, because I have an internal monologue that quite literally repeats the same thoughts/images over and over again, until it drives me into A) a panic, because I cannot escape the thoughts or B) giving in and retrieving that something.

My obsessive thoughts are getting worse these days after a huge trauma. I absolutely CANNOT let random thoughts go without speaking on them, or it sends me into a craze, because the repetitive words, short phrases, or thoughts drive me mentally insane. I haven't been able to sleep well in a while. Hell, this past week I have been having to drown out my thoughts with loud music at night to the point where I can't sleep through the sound (whether the sound is the music or my thoughts), so I wind up staying up all night. My psychiatrist and I have tried, what feels like, every medication under the sun. I'm tired of the concoctions.

Marijuana has thankfully been a HUGE help since I got my medical card. My inner thoughts used to be way worse. Now I am at a chapter in my life where I am needing to find a new job, and the ones that pay enough to survive on; they drug test. I knew this had a huge possibility of happening when I started smoking, but it has come to fruition. I am worried, which is in turn making my obsessive thoughts worse.

I am exhausted. From job hunting. From disclosing my disabilities, because I do need accommodations. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist to talk about an evaluation for autism, but even if that were to happen, how do you calm the thoughts? I want to literally press my hands through my eyes/face to try to suppress them. It has been mentally painful. This is the first time I am openly talking about this, or OCD period honestly, aside from with my current psychiatrist and therapist. Maybe I will feel less alone, even if I HAVE tried your advice.