I've been diagnosed with OCD for around 4 years. Mainly struggle with mental loops of either songs or nonsensical phrases but sometimes the stuck themes/images get darker revolving around harm. I've been on a routine of heavy medications for a while now and have always been closely watched by my psych and goto regular talk therapy. I'm in no way a real danger to myself. However last night, something triggered me while I was out thrifting with my sister. I kept thinking about harming those in the store, myself, and others. These intrusive thoughts remained after we got home and were particularly bad and graphically intense, causing me to have a pretty bad panic attack. I've always had compulsions based around seeking as much pleasure as possible. I binge ate a ton of shit that night to help with the thoughts and managed to calm myself down. The thoughts came back after the binge eating but less severe and I was able to use healthy coping mechanisms to fall asleep. That'd usually be the end of it but this morning those thoughts came back and much worse. I really started to panick so I went to the bank, withdrew all of my money and began hard-core compulsively gambling it away. For context the casino is unfortunately right next to my house. I was betting large and honestly quite stupid bets trying to stave away the thoughts. Completely drained my account and grocery money. This ofc created a massive downward spiral so I begged my sister to come take care of me until I was stable again. The thoughts returned and I just sat on my bed panicking, reaching out to my family and pretty much every mental health resource I had. Unfortunately none of my normal resources could see me that day and my psychiatrist recommended that since it was particularly bad I should check into the ER for an EKG just to be safe and to get some benzodiazepenes for tonight before she can see me tomorrow. I have an idea about what triggered me in the thrift store and caused this spiral but I'll have to address that later at therapy. In the meantime, my sister is watching me for the night and I know I'll be alright. This disease really sucks. I know the thoughts will always be there but all it takes is one bad episode to completely wipe my emergency savings between the gambling losses and medical bills. My only goal tonight is just to rest up and try not to feel bad about it all because the damage is already done and it's important for me to be on the mend.