Sometimes I see OCD as a compulsive need to just “finish” something, so I can then avoid all the associated thoughts. It’s almost like a form of symmetry OCD.

Like… just buy that stock… so I don’t have to think anymore about where to put money or about retirement.

All or nothing. Black and white cognitive distortion.

Similarly, sometimes I just want the sex to just happen, so I don’t have to think about if I trust the new gal or not.

Like… if I can just get over the first act - the rumination will end.

And I ruminate like crazy.

After a while the sex becomes like this wall that has to be crossed, and then it becomes a compulsive addiction to shut my brain off temporarily.

I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, and I barely drink; but I can go periods where I don’t even meet a girl to days where I can have sex with three different women on the same day to just “finish it” and stop thinking.

The few minutes after the act is the only time my brain relaxes, and the rumination ends, and the world stops spinning.

I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes.

I sometimes mumble, “I want to die” or “just kill me” as a comfort phrase. I feel trapped all the time. I can feel claustrophobic by literally thinking about a rigid office situation, and then I can’t breathe.

Lately, I am trying to listen to more music and write more. Healthy compulsions over negative compulsions.