• Night terrors and some “interesting” self-soothing behaviors.

• When I’d randomly focus on my breathing and be convinced if I stopped thinking about breathing, I would stop being able to breathe and that I had to keep thinking about it or else I’d die.

• When I made my mom watch me arrange my nightstand until it was “just right” for 2-3 minutes every night before bed. Sometimes after she had already tucked me in and left my room, I’d go back and adjust it again because it still didn’t feel right but I didn’t want to keep her waiting longer.

• When I started getting intrusive thoughts centered around horror films I watched as a kid and suddenly I was afraid of hangers sticking up in my closet (a ghost grabbed them), I couldn’t put on my glasses after a shower (if you’ve seen 13 Ghosts, you know), and I had to sprint down my hall every night because something was going to get me if I didn’t. This lasted for years. One time I was so afraid to go into my hallway after my mom fell asleep that I peed in a cup in my room and waited until the morning when it was “safe” to flush it down the toilet… okay maybe several times. Yikes.

• When I was so convinced my hair follicles were all actually lice eggs that I picked out a bald spot on the top of my head in 5th grade.

• When I’d go visit my dad and my sisters would watch me do my “counting thing” where I’d give all my items numbers and I’d make sure they were in the right spot. I’d count several times to make sure.

• Any time my body felt slightly different than “normal,” I was convinced I was going to die and had something terribly fatal. I’d spend hours researching even something as simple as “tingle in left big toe for 3 seconds.”

• Extreme phobia of anything medically related. Hating feeling somatic symptoms so much I’d experience syncope (loss of vision, fainting).

• Being so afraid of going places and doing things that I’d puke almost daily. Many mornings before middle school were spent by the dumpsters near drop off so I could let it all out before I got to school. Being perceived is hard! (“What if they hate me? What if I say hello weird? What if, what if, what if?”)

• Repetitive and unwanted thoughts on a loop in my brain. Sometimes so bad that I would go outside to my swing set and talk to myself or sing to myself to try and get them to calm down.

So many areas of my life felt “weird” and like something I couldn’t explain to people without sounding absolutely insane. My biggest fear was no one believing me, telling me “it’s all in your head” (no shit), or that I would get sent away to a looney bin if I was really honest. I spent a lot of time covering it up & hiding it… which is exhausting.

What an interesting little learning experience this has been/continues to be. I hid and compartmentalized a lot until one day I couldn’t anymore. I feel like so many shameful parts of my life’s experience have been explained and I’ve found so many online communities (and real life people) who are just like me.

I was 100% honest with a therapist for the first time since I started my therapy journey as a tiny human. That’s when I got my diagnosis and that’s when I realized holy shit… I’m not crazy. I can share my story without feeling so alone or “messed up.”

My anxiety just went by a different name all of these years and it wasn’t until I was both aware of and honest with myself that I discovered it.

My obsessions and compulsions have morphed and changed as I’ve grown older, but still share a lot of the common themes I experienced as a kid.

Mental health IS physical health. And discovering, healing, and growing is a beautiful thing!

Also, kind of funny to laugh about in retrospect 😂