As the title implies I am really fucking struggling with intrusive thought about those younger then me [17F] (like really young), right now I’m in such a frenzy that if I say such a simple word I might just breakdown. I know I would never do such a thing as to hurt or put anyone through the same trauma I went through (COCSA Survivor & history of sexual assault from the age of 8). I know that like Its just thoughts but i am starting to not trust myself at all to become a teacher. I think it will emotionally break my between the constant intrusive thoughts and no one to at least vent them out too.

I’m at the point where I am choosing majors for college and I can’t peruse my passion and whenever I tell people that I am afraid of being a teacher they say “oh well college will teach you everything you need to know”, it’s not that, it’s the fact that everytime I see myself as a teacher, it flips to me either beating the person or doing something unforgivable. I’ve convinced myself that I am just disgusting, I’ve been distancing myself from people (on top of feeling like they are going to abandon me or try to turn against me), I feel like I am approaching a breakpoint of self-isolation besides going to school. I reconsidering just being a childhood writer but idk what do in general since I can’t think straight unless I am sleeping or talking to a person physically. Idk what to do or where to go since I can’t tell my mom about a therapist. It’s too expensive rn.

If there is any tips on like how go cope or just keeping yourself to reality I would highly appreciate it.