I've been having a good few months. I'm working out, going to therapy, focusing on myself, etc. For my identity, after a long 4 years, I'm learning to disassociate my femininity from just online sexual fantasies and am learning to embrace it in real life. For the first time, I shared that I'm gender non-conforming to a few of my close friends. I ordered camisoles and stuff and wear them under my tshirts, and I've even worn skinny jeans and clip on earrings out in public. I don't look *that* different, but I am happy with the subtle femininity, or this fem androgynous look. The best part is when I'm out and forget that I'm wearing a gaff or something. When I sleep, I've also just felt this "need" or longing for women's sleep wear. Just something soft, possibly cropped, and low(er) cut then regular shorts. I need it especially for this summer heat.

Anyways, as some of these things are being normalized without being sexualized, I am getting confused. Whenever I feel happy, there seems to be a tug that pulls me back. A tug that tells me that now the mask is off, and it's so obvious that I'm just doing all this for attention. I just want stories to tell my friends to make them pity me or give me attention because I'm "special." I feel like entitled, or like I'm needing people to adjust for this dumb wacky shit I'm doing for attention in public. I know it's dumb and not rooted in reality, but I don't understand how to kind of move past from these feelings. I don't know why self-confidence feels like entitlement and attention-seeking behavior to me.

Well, I do know why. I was always told to stay in my lane. Keep my head down and be a people pleaser. I just wish it wasn't like this, and that I could unabashedly be myself even just with myself, without thinking I'm an imposter or an attention seeker.