I'm in my annual "let's throw everything up in the air and reinvent the wheel" phase. I've been reconnecting with my past, a process to be sure since there are just so many things wrong back there, and I'm just trying to make sense of myself.

I was, at times, pretty adamant about not being a girl as early as preschool. I never felt any better if I imagined myself as a boy, but now I'm not sure... Puberty was a haze, there was abuse involved, and an eating disorder, a big mess. I perceived myself as a genderless blob and was vaguely uncomfortable with the development of my body. But in my 20s, I started embracing my feminine side. There were guys who were interested in me, and that interest made me feel at least somewhat valuable from the point of my rock-bottom self-esteem. When I started having sex, that's when the thoughts of being a guy first properly surfaced. I forgot all about it, but now I remember that the only way I could initially find any pleasure in the activity was by imagining myself as my partner. I remember straight-up seriously considering if I was a guy. I kept imagining my body as such and it felt right back then. But I liked guys. And more importantly, the guys who liked me liked women. And the way people around me talked about transitioning... like a betrayal... I've known at least two guys who had a crush on a pre-transition man and they talked about it as a traumatic experience. I didn't want people to hate me...

I went hyperfeminine. I was trying so hard, it was exhausting and I never got it quite right. I realized there are so many things I didn't like about myself, but poor self-esteem is the norm for young women, especially those of us growing up in the 90s. Yet the reason why I was meticulous about breast exams was the hope that I might find something that would give me a socially acceptable pass to get rid of them. Meanwhile, I was doing all these vaguely new-age exercises about self-acceptance, sacred feminine, the works. Some of it almost worked... appreciate what my body could do. Make my over-the-top curves and breasts a point of pride. Point of value. My ED resurfaced - overeating, purging, restricting. I now think that the impulse to overeat and gain way was a desperate means of avoiding the male attention I was getting for being seen as a woman, and the rest was me trying to control it, be a "good girl." I was so disgusted with myself when men found me attractive on looks alone, even though it made me feel valued. I hated them for it. It made me scared. It made me want to throw up every time I came across it.

Things started getting better in my late 20s. Got therapy for the trauma of my childhood, started feeling more at home in the world, stopped feeling so unsafe. So much of my personhood up to that point was just one big trauma response. Setting that loose made for a new chapter in my life. A little before that, I met my now husband. I feel like he always saw me for me and he's supported me throughout. I finally had the revelation that I am nonbinary in my early 30.

I finally released the ED behaviors a little before that too, but unfortunately, most probably due to never getting actual treatment in that regard and DIYing the process, the result was quite a significant weight gain. But it's happy weight. I never felt healthier, I never was so free of the various pains and aches that I was causing myself by overexercising. Unfortunately, it's a big obstacle for transition. Nobody is willing to at least take care of the breasts at my current weight, not in my country (36M by the way, that won't be bound away). Admittedly, I'm past BMI 35, which I know is a lot, but honestly? Compared to everything else, this is the best place I've ever been at, even physically. I'm not hurting myself. But I can't get the things I sorely long for because of it. This is the primary reason I'm trying to unpack the whole thing. I have a panic reaction to behaviors reminiscent of my ED past, which is all weight-loss behavior. And it's always touted as this way of becoming more attractive, more feminine, closer to what a woman "should" be (90s strike again). And I just... nope. Nope. Not with breasts like these that become even more prominent without the gut. But my body is also soft and curvy and there's no way to hide it with my current figure. I don't want to live like this, I don't want to waste any more of my life being uncomfortable.

And you know what? I don't even know what I want to do with my body past the chest. It's a mess. There are things I like about some parts of being a woman. And I like a feminine presentation. I just feel like somehow, the body should be male underneath. If I imagine myself at 15-20 in today's world, there is zero doubt in my mind that I would consider myself a man even coming from the difficult environment I grew up in. A gay, gender-nonconforming man, but a man nonetheless. Maybe I would have been wrong. Maybe I am wrong today. I can't imagine being a man anymore. Maybe it's because I've done all this work to be OK with things. I also like physical things about myself that I can't imagine parting with. I feel aligned with womanhood to a degree. I'm just so... I don't know. I don't know what to do with myself. Stuff's not sitting right, but I can't imagine what would sit right.

I know this is a lot. I'm so self-conscious about basically everything I wrote down, possibly except for the fact that my husband is a great guy. I will appreciate any reply. Even if you don't have advice, just... I don't know, that someone can read all this and not think I'm a terrible person or stupid, or... yeah. I know it's silly. I'm supposed to be a grown-up LOL.