I have been now for two years discussing my gender, it seems to be anywhere between androgynous/enby to a man. I think nb trans masc fits me best. But I still cannot figure it out and sometimes it drives me nuts.

TW: dysphoria on both ways of the gender spectrum

However some days I feel I literally gaslight myself of being a man, that I’m a woman (again). Other days if not 99% that I’m screaming for T and a full transition. I have dysphoria for literally anything even the shape of my skull or eyebrows, etc. Especially that I wasn’t born a cis man.

This confuses my brain, and my therapist isn’t being very clear other than reminding me to explore and do what feels best. She thinks I’m also indeed non binary. But sometimes I feel like that is just not enough.

It’s like I have the full dysphoria of a trans man and just sometimes I feel like looking like a man but not being a man. When I have dysphoria the other way (against masc) I feel like I still have dysmorphia for not being a muscle tank. Then I go spiralling into confusion.

Labels say me 0, other than affirming my identity. I don’t care about labels and couldn’t give 2 🦆 about what toilet I should use, etc. He/him feels best but sometimes the nostalgia of “women power” hits. I prefer he/him but I don’t make much issue about it unless it’s clearly with bad intention.

Anyone else? How? How do you deal with it, what transition goals did you go with? Do you also feel dysphoria both ways?