Ok, I'm 40 and pretty much lived my entire life as a dude, but for at least the last 15 years that kinda really didn't feel like it fits. I'm not happy with a lot of the requirements and preconceptions society has for men, and I often think, that if I was a woman that I would be probably as comfortable with that then I am as a man, if that makes any sense. Kind of switching at will would be a nice gimmick? I don't even know how to fully describe my inner composition, but the label "man" kind of feels off. Actually it always did.

I'm mostly dressing very casual. Like jeans and cardigans, which aren't per se gendered, but since I am quite bulky and hairy, that makes me pretty much look like a man. I'm not into overly feminine clothing, but I also hate suits with a passion. I don't even like shirts. I got a lot of flack for dressing the way I do even on formal occasions in the past.

So far I haven't told anyone. I don't even know who to tell what how. I'm living in a very rural area, and I'm not sure anyone would 1. understand or 2. take me seriously knowing me as dude for over 30 years. Also I'm not quite sure what I am, somewhere between demiguy and genderfluid? How do you explain that to farmer Fiona and postman Piet?

Also if I don't do anything different than I do now, does it matter? I mean I am progessively uncomfortable with checking my gender as "male" whenever I have to disclose it somewhere, and tend to go for a "none of your buiseness" option.

Last year I even did that horrible US trans medical test, that they make you do if you if you want to medically transition (i did it online, because I was curious to figure myself out) and that one put me down as agender.

I'm sorry if this is more of an "off my chest" post, but I had to verbalise it to someone.