TW: Discussions of suicidal ideation; fundamentalist Christianity; mean parents

Hello my loveliest of lovelies,

Enby here, raised in the queerphobic Cult that is Mormonism. I'm a direct descendant of one of the founders, Parley Parker Pratt so my family consider themselves proud of their heritage. The first 17 years of my life I held onto my faith with every fiber of my body because it was the only coping mechanism offered to me for dealing with the crushing gender dysphoria, but as a young child I regularly asserted my actual gender and tried to get my family to recognize me for who I was. Obviously that didn't happen because in the Mormon church, socially or medically transitioning to any extent is apostasy, meaning they excommunicate you from the church. (Mormons now consider the word "mormon" a slur, so you should be aware they are officially called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but I'm going to call them Mormons because its a "win for Satan" apparently.)

Anyway. Recently I came out to my Bapuji (that's what we call my grandfather, it's Punjabi for "respected elder") He was born and lived his young life in India and then came to the US in the 1950s to study mathematics. He married my grandmother, who is a Pratt (basically mormon royalty) and joined the Mormon church. Coming out to him was such a big deal because he was the first ethnically Indian mission president to preside over the Indian Subcontinent and because he did a fuck ton of genealogical work for the mormon church gathering records from India, translating them, and then giving the names of my ancestors to the mormon church for proxy covenants, which is what Mormons do in their secret temples. Mormons believe that everyone has to receive certain covenants in order to be saved, so members of the church go to the temple to perform covenants for someone who is dead.

Now, here's the thing. Prior to British colonization, Trans and Non-binary people enjoyed a lot more freedoms. They were recognized and didn't face widespread discrimination. Because of colonization, those same groups who were once revered are now endangered. So in my mind, my Bapuji who I have always loved and respected immensely, bought into the Mormon church's teachings about the divine binary nature of gender, and then performed proxy religious covenants for my ancestors, some of whom were definitely not "men" or "women." So basically he mis-gendered people in a really sacred and religious way that basically invalidates their whole existence which is crazy ancient and beautiful and is INCREDIBLY offense and harmful to me as well as MAD FUCKING RACIST AGAINST HIS OWN ANCESTRAL PEOPLE

and the vast majority of my extended family, as well as my Mom, dad, older sister and older brother still pay more than 10% of their gross annual income to the mormon church. They all served missions, teaching people on different continents that gender variance is a sin. The Mormon church is incredibly wealthy and tax exempt even though they regularly interfere with local and national politics and have a whole lobbying organization which mobilizes really intensely against any form of queer rights.

And all of this just makes me want to not be alive. My mom says she doesn't believe what the church teaches about gender variance and that "more revelation is coming" but I asked my mom to stop paying tithing years ago, and I thought she did. I said to her "if you pay tithes to the LDS church and have a queer child you're not gonna have a queer child for very long." My mom is justifying her paying tithes by saying "well i'm going to pay for top surgery too" like...i don't want you to pay for top surgery if you're still paying tithing. I don't want you in my life if you're still paying tithing. I don't want to be alive if you're still paying tithing. You're putting your brainwashing transphobic cult rituals over your own child's health. How can you say you love someone and simultaneously pay for their oppression?