Hi all! I'm brand new to this sub, but I love it! I've only been loitering for about an hour and just... everyone is so sweet and kind and respectful and aaahhh 💕

Anywho, I had a quick question -- is anyone here microdosing T or E by chance?

Story time! As AFAB, I was so certain most of my life that I wanted to transition to being a male. But at 19, I very slowly began to pick up interest in stereotypically feminine things, such as makeup and dresses. I was confused, and, thinking I was just too young/inexperienced yet, I thought I'd just wait a few years until I had a better idea of what I wanted my body to be like for the rest of my life.

And things were going relatively okay, until a new therapist I got when I was 22 noticed I was trans/nb and said that she could help me transition through my shitty insurance now if I'd like, because that was something they were suddenly covering now, I guess? I know she really meant well, but I felt pressured and uncertain, and knowing that 16 year old me would have jumped at the opportunity to transition if given the chance, it made me question even more just who I was and what I wanted.

I ultimately turned down her offer for help and said I needed to wait and go at my own pace. It was terrifying doing that, honestly, as I didn't know if I'd get the same opportunity again without jumping through some considerable hoops.

Growing up, I think I associated feminine things with weakness, and as such every doll, every dress, and every pink object in my periphery was "gross." As I became an adult, I began to understand that gender, as we all know, is nothing more than a social construct. I asked myself, "Can a male wear a dress? Can he wear makeup and paint his nails?" and of course my immediate answer was a resounding YES, but then when I asked if I could do those very same things, I froze up. I was afraid that society would see me as a female if I presented as such, and ONLY an female. I just wanted BOTH. Was that really so selfish to wish for?

I later discovered the term "bigender" and had a small epiphany that I WAS, in fact, both. A little down the line and I discovered the term "genderfluid," and I've been comfortable with that neat and tidy label ever since. The only problem I had was that even wearing masculine or other androgynous styles, I was still clearly seen as only female. I searched up photos of androgynous people constantly, swooning over their looks and wanting that for myself.

I do realize that you can be fluid or NB or whatever have you, and still mostly present as more female or more male, and that there's literally nothing wrong with that! How you physically look shouldn't define what you feel inside!

But... that's just not what I wanted for myself.

Maybe it's selfish, but I still feel dysphoria quite frequently. You'd think that being genderfluid I'd be more okay with my feminine features, but on days where I feel more masculine, it just makes me feel shitty and all jumbled up inside. I know I'll never be perfectly androgynous, and I'm okay with that. But there are still things I want (or rather, don't want!). One of my ultimate goals is to have top surgery, but I'm overweight, which makes that procedure much riskier and more likely to have complications. Therefore I've been slowly but surely losing weight, but it still doesn't feel like enough...

I'd love for my voice to be lower, my muscles a bit more defined, and my fat to be more evenly distributed. I recently found out that a lot of nonbinary people microdose in order to better achieve an outside that matches up more with their insides. It hit me like lightning - I was so excited! I researched for hours, days, finding out whatever I could about the process and trying to find if it was right for me...

I'm at least 90% certain I'd like to start microdosing T, and as I'm turning 30 at the end of this year, I'm eager to regain some of the lost years of my twenties spent confused, uncertain, and uncomfortable with how I looked/presented. My big problem now is... what do I do now? How do I begin taking the right steps towards this path? Who do I talk to first? My therapist? My PCP? I'm on shittycaid (medicaid/medi-cal), and while they say they'll cover my transition if I can get my doctor and therapist to declare that they feel that process is "necessary" for me, I have to spend a lot of time gathering all that info up to present my case.

But what I'm notably worried about is that I don't want to fully transition from one sex to the other. I'd like to just take small doses and test out where I feel most comfortable, with no outside pressure to "pick one or the other." I've heard that a lot of insurance companies don't really like this, and aren't as likely to agree to help you transition if it's not "all the way." Otherwise, I definitely don't have the means to pay for T myself, and I very likely won't for several years to come.

So uhh, long story short, I was wondering if anyone here can relate to my situation or are microdosing in order to receive similar results? If so, could you possibly lend me any advice? Where do I get started? What tips could I use pursuing this with my crap insurance? Are there any other options for broke millennials such as myself?

Really, anything and everything - I'd love to hear your experiences!

Thank you all so much and have an awesome day/night!

x o x o