Little background info: AFAB, 24, nonbinary (graygender / lacking gender; she/they pronouns), plus-size, was raised mormon for ~16 years, virgin (hope this is the right subreddit, posted on LGBT last night; feel free to rec me more subreddits as well as I am finally looking to explore this side of myself)

I have never been a tomboy. I was quite feminine as a young girl, and because of the brainwashing of the church I wanted to be a wife, mother, nurturer etc. However as I grew into my own, my brother educating me about the real world (I was always soooo naive/oblivious), and especially taking Sociology college courses I realized who I am / want to be: an intersectional feminist, every body is beautiful....except for my own. I'm pansexual and only a couple years ago I realized I'm not cis. I latched onto the term graygender.

As I have grown into who I am today, I have realized multiple things: I don't want kids, at least not from my own body and def not anytime soon ; I don't want to be perceived as a female because I am not inherently feminine ; and therefore I don't want to be judged based on Western Feminine Beauty Standards. Now I am totally cis-passing, F-cup bra (no binder or even a desire to wear one, I'd like to breathe tyvm), curves, shoulder-length or longer hair, some feminine clothes while some neutral/male v-necks, no makeup.

However I am not interested in transitioning, as I said I am graygender which just means I don't want... either. I don't want a penis but I am not happy with my vagina either??? Has anyone else experienced this before? I don't want a dick but my vagina is awful!!! Periods can kiss my ass!! I don't think I'm agender because I don't feel so strongly that I need to be they/them 24/7, like I'm not telling my Return-Missionary Mormon cousins or my grandparents to call me gender-neutral pronouns, just those close to me, but I don't want to be embarrassed or shy introducing myself as they/them. Does that make sense?

Because of being raised religious, even though it was a decade ago, I still feel shame for my sexuality, for wanting to feel good, for wanting to explore my body. I realized yesterday that not only do I hate my vagina, I think I'm scared of it. Through masturbation I have learned to 'deal with' my breasts, they make me feel good whatever, but I've never orgasmed and quite honestly want to avoid my vagina. This hit me hard because lately I have been thinking of becoming sexually active, and I finally need to start thinking about these things, sharing my body with another, and it terrifies me!!

For context, I didn't start masturbating or using tampons until I was ~18 (two whole years after I left the church!). Is this internalized misogyny? Is it just my low self esteem, 'you don't deserve happiness/feeling good' thoughts? Can anyone relate? I'm not trans, I don't want to transition, I'm not FtM, I don't have penis envy. And here I go quoting a tiktok: 'What are my pronouns? None of your business. Don't talk to me, don't talk about me, I am a secret."

I guess I am looking for like-minded individuals; do not have to be graygender, AFAB, a specific orientation etc. It may be easier to connect with people with vaginas, but I'm just looking for discussions really. A kind ear. As graygender is more ambivalence, I don't usually search for gender resources, but it just hit really fucking hard and I would just like second opinions or people to share their own stories!!! Please, tell me about your life, your success stories, relationships with others or with your own bodies. I'd love to hear, really. Feel free to PM or IM me <3

TL;DR graygender bitch looking to talk with others who have experienced dysphoria, about accepting their bodies and overcoming shame, fear, embarrassment, especially about genitalia or from religious backgrounds