*To preface, I am a binary trans man and my pronouns are he/him. Despite this, I felt that sharing my journaled experience here would be much more appropriate than r/ftm or r/ftmmen as this post is not quite binary in nature, and I would be inflamed to dust as the subject of low-dose hormone injection is brought up.

CW: Sexual Description of Natal Parts, Discussion of Hormones

Going into HRT, I knew that there were going to be changes with testosterone that I particularly wouldn't care for. Mostly because I've been exceptionally happy with my body after top surgery because I'm comfortable with my androgynous appearance and am attached to it.

However, not being able to pass has always given me major social dysphoria. Not being seen as the man that I am has always made me feel ill even before I knew that I was trans. Adding onto that, having had previous experience of T for 2 months a few years ago and remembering that my brain felt more on track than I was on E, I knew that I would be able to deal with the physical changes such as facial masculinization and body hair development that would come with and accepted it. So, I started on a low dose of 26mg to reach the lower side of the male range (200-ng/dl) in order to jumpstart my transition.

After 3 months on T, I gained an half an inch or so of bottom growth and saw increase in muscle mass. But besides that, not much had changed with my physical appearance. However, my voice had significantly dropped down.

Right around when I noticed my voice drop I got to meet my friend and their relatives. Notably their aunt, their cousin, and his wife. The atmosphere was rather awkward with their attitude towards me but I chalked it up to unfamiliarity. But overall, I thought I left a good impression. The following day, however, I recieved a text from my friend saying that we needed to talk. No context given. I was extremely nervous thinking about all of the possible mistakes that I may have made which could have been seen as rude or impolite.

Morning came and I nervously called to ask about the issue on hand. Sighing, they started the conversation by saying that they were sorry that they had to out me. I ask them what they meant by it and they said that the wife thought I was a cis-guy. Confused, I had them explain the situation.

Prior to introducing me to their relatives, they had told them that we had met in middle school. I knew of this because in actuality our relationship had started as a connection through an online fandom. As telling the truth would have come off as sketchy, we decided to change the backstory.

So when I was freshly introduced to them in person, specifically the wife, she was mazed because she saw a guy, who looked like a guy, and acted like a guy, because my friend had attended an all-girls institution. I didn't catch on to this as I didn't pass to the aunt. Meanwhile, their cousin knew about my transgender status because my friend had gained permission from me to disclose my identity to him in advance. When he interacted with me, he naturally percieved me as a guy because I offered my handshakes like a man.

Right after the meet, the wife pressed my friend for answers. "He's a guy, so how did you two meet in school?" "For a guy, how is his skin so clear?" Bombarded with these sudden and unexpected questions as my friend had not expected me to pass to the wife, they reluctantly had to out me. Thankfully, she was nonchalant about it. Same as my friend, I was surprised because I had not expected this kind of response. I didn't think that I would pass to anyone at this stage considering the state of masculinization and the long length of my hair. However, beyond the initial shock I was incredibly happy about it and turned on the voice tool app to hear my voice. Lo and behold, I was right in the middle of the supposed male range and sounded like a teenage boy in his mid to late teens. In excitement I repeatedly recoreded and listened to my voice for the entire rest of the day.

Now that I was sure about my voice, I wanted to test its passability. The timing couldn't have been more perfect when a salesman had unexpectedly knocked on my door. Nervously, I greeted him as I lowered my voice while opening the door to ask about the occassion. He replied with "Hello sir." He then explained that he was sent from the utilities company that I was subscribed to to offer free repair services and a power strip. Although I had refused his repair services, I was more than happy to take the free power strip.

After taking the strip and checking its efficacy, he called the company and asked if I could confirm his arrival. The agent over the phone asked if I had recieved the offered services and I said yes although I hadn't. Mostly because I could not have been bothered to have a stranger in my house for something I didn't consider to be a necessity. As I was confirming everything, the salesman made a face of relief while handing me a bro-fist, which I in return, fisted back. The call ended and the salesman referred to me as "dude" while thanking me as I had made his job easier. Sending him off as I closed the door, I was finally able to relax as I had kept adjusting my shirt down below my boxers to ensure that he wouldn't be able to see my lack of dick.

So, my experiment was a success.

What does this mean to me?

As I said before, the physical part of masculinization does not mean much to me as I already see myself as a man. Passing, however, does on the other hand. Going through this experience made me sure about what my priorities with transitioning were. The number one priority eventually boiled down to vocal change.

Going into my transition journey, I had concerns regards to the quality of the masculinized voice. Observing how most FTM's get stuck in a young-ish / nasal tone, I did my research as I wanted to avoid this the most.

I agree with the common notion of how you can't pick and choose the effects that T would bring upon one, but I was and still am in disagreement regards to how the dosage of it wouldn't matter when it came to the speed or the quality of one's transition.

Getting put on a dose of T to meet the average male adult range after a shy of a few months never made sense to me. Despite no factual nor scientific knowldege about this in prior, I assumed that puberty would have you start from a low dose of hormones, then naturally have a gradual increase over the span of a few years. As I brought this issue up with my previous endocrinologist 3 years ago, she mentioned that the ones that maintained a lower dose / levels usually developed a more masculine and well rounded voice later on. Due to familial and financial circumstances at the time I had to stop cycling T. However, I believe that this gave me more time to think about my goals and become more certain with my decision to medically transition.

As time passed, the minimal changes I had experienced during the short 2 month injection period (25mg) disappeard but my lowered voice had managed to stay.

Coming back to the presnt, prior to restarting my transition I sought out more info on FTM transitioning. My efforts felt abysmal to say the least as unlike the MTF boards the FTM forums somehow seriously lacked anecdotal data that discussed both dose and levels when mentioning their changes. However, I came across Dr. Will Powers and his strategy when it came to transitioning. As suspected, I was correct with my suspicions with male vocal development. Starting on a dose too high maturizes the larynx faster than the speed it's able to adjust, causing the transitioner to be stuck with an undeveloped voice and higher pitch. Noting Dr. Powers' transition regimen, I dropped my dose of 26mg down to 14mg last week and was planning to move it down to 10mg for my upcoming injection for this week to reach T levels of 60-100 ng/dl.

However, with the realization that I can pass with a low voice and deal with minimal physical change, I am now considering a pause to this and am trying to figure out how to cycle between E and T.

T allowed for mood stabilization and the ability to pass, but what comes along with physical masculinization is the possibility of male pattern baldness and decrease in skin quality. Knowing that my father and all of the male relatives that I've met on his side of the family have MPB, it has been a concern of mine to preserve the integrity of my hair.

However, knowing that I'm able to lower my voice as it's the first change that occurs and that it'll maintain its permanency, I find less of a reason as to why it would be necessary for me to be on a weekly regimen of T.

I would like to re-emphasize that I am indeed a binary trans-man. Not non-binary nor bi-gender. However, I also acknowledge that having done voice training to be able to create a seperate voice that is female passing and enjoying the physical form of a biological female is quite gender non-conforming. Going through higher testosterone levels at my prenatal stage may have contributed to this seeing that my ring finger is longer than the index finger. However, this is only speculation at best.

Is it such a horrid and unreasonable idea to be so pretty as a man to the point where some might accidentally see him as a woman until he speaks? My gender is not my pussy. Now acknowledging that I may have the potential to be cis-passing in both ways with careful cycling and simple intentional changes in voice and behavior in between situations, shapeshifting whenever and however I desire to, I find it hard to pass up on the idea.

Though, it would be untrue if I didn't factor my father into this equation of thought.

My father, being 79, is sure that his lifespan is limited. Being a religious person who is rather closed off emotionally, I find it hard to bring my identity up as I love him and have learned that I am his most beloved child according to my other siblings. Although I am positive he wouldn't disown me, I would rather save him from the distraught and mental chaos that may foreseeably ensue from obtaining this knowledge for as long as possible.

Back to the original train of thought, I understand that my situation, the effects that T takes on me, and my androgynous physical pre-requisites are unique and cannot be perfectly mimcked by another person. Later in my life I might even change my mind. However, as of now I would like to record this instance and put it on the internet as I find the demonization of experimenting and controlling your hormonal dosage in order to maintain control of some aspects of your physicality to be higly ridiculous and cannot find discrepancies from truscum ideology. I may even be factually wrong with some of the information written above, but I am not too concerened as this is only a personal anecdote that is far from an academic journal.

The deeper I find myself in this transitoning journey, the more I find life to be far from the binary, gender is a fuckery. As such, I hope to update this in a few months time to record my progress.