So my gender identity feelings are kinda all over the place and I’m hoping I can hear some of your perspectives, as I kinda feel like I might be being dishonest to myself..

I’m amab and identify as nonbinary transfem, and use she/they pronouns. I have a quite feminine chosen name, and a shortened version of it that’s more androgynous and has enby vibes. I usually present pretty feminine and I would describe myself as feminine at heart. I like androgynous looks too, and even some more punky alty masc aesthetics sometimes, as long as they don’t make me just look like a dude. I started hrt a few months ago because I definitely want a more feminine body than I have, and so far I’ve really loved the mental effects of E as well!

But personally, in my mind, “nonbinary transfeminine” really feels right to me, in a way that “woman” or even “trans woman” just doesn’t. “Woman” doesn’t quite feel like me. It feels a bit off, and a bit restrictive (restrictive in the right direction as opposed to male which was restrictive in the absolute wrong direction, but still not quite it).

I came out as nonbinary to my friends this year and started using they/them pronouns and kept using my deadname for a while. But I realized that I wanted to be seen as more feminine than I felt I was being seen, and that I really didn’t want to go with my deadname anymore. So my New Year’s resolution is to start going by my fem name and she/they with my friends and in queer circles in 2024! I have a great support system and i know my friends will be supportive of all this. However, a lot of my friends are cis and not super super well educated on gender diverse people, and I get the feeling they might think I “changed my mind” and that I’m not enby anymore, just trans. Or maybe that I was trans all along and just not ready to admit it. And that simply isn’t the case. To the people I care about, I truly want to be seen and understood as a nonbinary transfem person.

However, out in the world where people see things in a binary way and a lot of people don’t understand or respect nonbinary identities, I think I’m just going to call myself trans and use she/her. With strangers, new acquaintances, people I don’t feel super comfy with (I’ll probably skip the trans part with them and just call myself a girl haha), and just when I don’t feel like expending the energy to educate someone new on what “nonbinary transfeminine” means. When the only viable options are he or she, I’d rather be she for sure.

But then I get a bit of imposter syndrome and wonder if I’m “doing it wrong” or not being fully honest about myself. I worry that if I just present as a trans girl to the outside world I’ll slowly lose touch with my enby identity. Or that I’m doing my enby side a disservice.

I know there aren’t any strict rules and anyone can take on this identity if it feels right to them. But is it okay to identify as enby with those closest to you and just trans to the outside world? How do I deal with the imposter syndrome from kinda having one foot in each identity?