There has been this guy. When we first started talking I knew I wanted him bad, and I thought he liked me but he never asked me to be his girlfriend. This lead me to saying things like “hey, I feel like you’re not interested, I’m done, goodbye!” and he would text me back and be like “No i would tell you if im not interested, I like you a lot, I don’t want to stop talking to you blah blah blah” and I would get pulled back in. I end up having a nightmare about a specific girl & him and I hit her up on instagram and apparently they’ve been dating! He has had a girlfriend this whole time! Cool. I tell him he’s a horrible person and he blocks me and we don’t talk again for a while.

They break up, 6 months go by. he contacts me again and I respond because I wanted to see what he wanted. One thing led to another and we’re hooking up again. Cool. I understand what happened last time and I accept that whatever we are doing is nothing more than a hookup, he is more than likely seeing other people, (we always used protection) and also understood that if we were to ever date that he would definitely cheat on me as he has cheated in the past and why would I be any different from the last.

We’ve been hooking up for a while now but recently I’ve realized that I’ve caught feelings again so I attempted to end things by blocking him on everything and saying “I’m not down for hookup culture rn sorry!! Thanks for understanding!”. He finds me on a social media that I guess he has had me blocked on this whole time (I thought he deleted his account, no, he blocked me) and says he’s still down to be friends if I’ll let him. I didnt want to be the ‘immature type’ that can’t be friends with their “exes” especially because I’ve acted like such a fcking menace in the past to him (when I found out about girlfriend) so I say that’s fine. I add him back on everything and we keep talking like normal. Today I realized this is going to be an actual issue for me because I’m still crushing on this dude and he does not care one single bit and I block him on everything again.

I’m already having the urge to add him back. Why am I so toxic? Why do I crave him? What’s the psychology behind being totally aware that a situation isn’t good for you but not having enough self respect to no longer crave that specific situation?