Like I get it if you bring them up in a way that signals you’re not over them, or if you talk about them a lot or bring them up right off the bat. And I’m willing to play the dating game and not do it out of politeness.

But it feels a little bit like a silly rule. I spent almost 4 years with my ex, I did a lot of cool things with them and they shaped a significant part of my life.

After breaking up with my ex, a month passed, a girl hit on me, I got her number, we went on a date. She asked me what brought me to the city. I said, very casually, “well I originally moved here to be with my ex, but I stayed because blah blah blah”. It didn’t seem like a big deal that time. We went on another date and were talking about an activity and I said something like “oh yeah I used to do that all the time with my ex and some friends”. After that I detected a vibe shift. And then I think I was telling a story and I realized to keep telling the story I was going to have to bring up my ex again, so I laughed and said, “ha, sorry, I hope you don’t mind it when I mention my ex”. And she said “you do talk about your ex a lot. Kind of a red flag”.

I was pretty taken aback because, well, it seems like as mature adults, that shouldn’t be a big deal. We should be able to reconcile with the fact that we have lived experiences and have known and loved other people. They were a part of my life, so getting to know me and my history, like you do on a date, would obviously maybe include me mentioning the fact that I had a partner who was a very significant part of my life for awhile. Sometimes if I tell a story and they were there, I might need to mention them to advance the story forward. Is that really so impolite? Especially when the entirety of the date I am completely focused on YOU and clearly not longing for anyone else?