I posted about this before so please see previous post for some context. I felt pushed into making the decision to move but my feelings haven’t really changed and I don’t want to go. I feel so confused. The last time we had a real conversation was last Saturday and I felt the underlying reason he called was to get confirmation that I would go and get information about what my property management said about august and if it could be paid for a partial month (he had agreed to cover for my august rent).

In hindsight now I should have said I wouldn’t go when he said he didn’t want to be with me after I wanted him to provide information regarding his 2 year commitment to his parents with the mobile home or after walking out on me and the kids twice at the motel while visiting. I wish now I had done that but for some reason I couldn’t. Now those moments have passed and it feels too late. It’s like when things seem better I can’t go back or don’t have any sense of justification to not go. At the same time the thought of things ending kills me.

If I could only determine the true reason of why he wants me to come out that could help things. If it’s because of me being a financial liability then obviously no I shouldn’t go. If it’s because he wants his family which is what he claims then that’s different. But it’s very hard accepting how he’s been and what he did with his parents and living in a small mobile home in an area I don’t want to live in. He takes no accountability for anything he does and deflects.

The direction I get from my therapist is to choose to trust him and do my part as the wife and see if that leads him to reciprocate and change for the better. Basically do what I can on my end because that’s all I can do and see where that leads so I have no regrets. My therapist minimizes the risk in going out there.

I don’t know if I should follow the therapist’s direction or not. He understands how I feel but it’s like he dismisses what I say as well about my husband or doesn’t give it as much weight as I do.

I only have days left to figure it out. I’m very afraid either way of making the wrong decision. I wish I could get clarity.