I was unstoppable, 3 times I came. Thankfully it was without porn? At least no video porn, but it started out just looking up information online, reading fetish stories on Reddit and then stumbling across photos. Still, I seem to want more?

I've been praying consistently, doing prostrations, fasting, reading my bible, and more... even took communion last week.

I am into femdom of all things, so my fantasies were definitely present in my fall.

I thought when I began this journey this fetish would go away, it seems that won't be true. So I will have to be honest with the girl I meet.

Speaking of which I was recently given the silent treatment from someone I really like... Though I've been told not to worry about it too much and take it personally. Also in quarantine right now.

I thought I would feel very guilty, but not sure, I am not feeling those tears of repentance. Must mean that I fell way before this final deed happened or something because I've been looking at this type of information for some time now. I did binge eat though...

I have to change things. I read recently that repeated sin has got to do with spiritual ambition, which is a type of deception. I am guilty of this, thinking that the longer I lasted on nofap the better I am.

It would seem that God has permitted this to come upon me to humble me,

nofap initially had changed my life, but once you get past the first couple of years, things become less romantic and reality sets in. That is when carrying the cross begins and I fell somewhere along this way.

I will take up my cross yet again and hope that God with his mercy will bring me to the finish line.